Ph.Depressed

A Milestone

2011-05-26T11:28:00.000-07:00

I reached a milestone this year - my 30th birthday. I'd like to say it was a great occasion, but I had mixed feelings about the whole thing. I refer to the 30th birthday as the occasion where you now have the perception of maturity, without actually being mature. A year ago I was excited to be turning 30; to leave my 20s behind me and forget about the decade that did not treat me so kindly. Instead of being excited, it was a bit of a let down. Quiet Confidence is pretty wrapped up in his work and quite distracted. Things have also been a little more stressful at home these days, something I couldn't have foreseen a year ago.

Despite all these things QC and I decided to go away to Montreal to celebrate my 30th birthday, and our 3 year anniversary. He also desperately needed time away from the job so he wouldn't burn out. We booked an amazing room at the Auberge du Vieux-Port, in the heart of old Montreal overlooking the St. Lawrence river.

Our Room

We had also booked a couples massage for our first morning there. The idea was that we'd start off super relaxed and take it from there. Instead of having the relaxed, romantic vacation I had envisioned it turned out to be some what stressful for me. I also slipped and fell on the narrow stone steps of our hotel the first morning there - badly bruising my tailbone. It had been raining and the flats I was wearing didn't have the greatest traction. I'm still dealing with it two weeks later. We were also having communication issues during our vacation, which only added to my stress. I'm not sure what was going on, suffice to say that it has been an issue for the past little while and still continues. Despite all these things I still managed to really enjoy aspects of the trip.

Uncomfortably Intimate

2011-05-06T14:11:00.000-07:00

Somewhat recently my grandfather passed away. It was some what expected because he had been experiencing progressively worsening health problems for the past 10 years . That being said you are never really ready for a death in the family. He also had this uncanny ability to be hospitalized, knocking at deaths door, and somehow persevere and come home again. It had happened so many times in the past 10 years that I never really believed he would die.

I have somewhat mixed feelings about my Grandfather because of some of his behaviours, particularly towards my Mother (his daughter in law) and us as children. We grew up next door so it was like we had an extra set of parents, and as you can imagine in a household of 5 active boys plus me it wasn't always an ideal scenario. I remember constantly ducking and hiding out from him on the farm with my brothers, so as not to get in trouble for doing something or other that he disapproved of. It was so bad that even my parents played the duck and run game on occasion when they didn't want to deal with him. He was a man with an omnipresent personality. He was the undisputed patriarch of the family and the village tin god amongst the wider clan. He had a presence and he could orate, which put him in good stead when he entered the political arena. It was this that carried him right to Ottawa as a backbencher Member of Parliament.

Once it became apparent that I was going to be a professional Historian he began to campaign for me to write his memoirs. As his oldest grand-daughter, and now a real historian, he thought it was justly appropriate and I could give his life story the gravitas and importance he felt it merited. For years I deftly evaded the question when it came up - being sufficiently vague and non-committal, but also not completely ruling out the possibility either. I wasn't sure about researching his life and finding the real truth to his tales. One thing I knew was certain, it was a project I wanted nothing to do with until after he had passed away. I didn't want to have to compromise my historical integrity and unbiased appraisal of his life by editing it to his satisfaction.

In the last few years, as part of the memoirs project, he started asking me to go through his office with him to sort out what papers and documents would be useful to me and what could be thrown out. It was a monumental task since his office was crammed full of books, Hansard reports, as well as a file cabinet's worth and then some of papers. It would be overwhelming in normal circumstances and nearly impossible if we were supposed to go through it together and I was to get the story of everything along the way. We would have been at it for months, if not years if I had agreed to his plan.

I finally got around to starting to clean out his office this past weekend. My Grandma thought she was ready for it to happen, which it turns out I don't think she was. I spent an afternoon packing files into boxes for me to go through at my own leisure at a later date. I got through the file cabinet, the Hansard reports and some miscellaneous stuff near his desk and it doesn't look like anything has been touched. I thought the softer, more gradual approach would help my Grandmother cope. I had such mixed feelings going through his personal files. Even touching his office felt like sacrilege, particularly since his office was completely off limits when we were kids and was his sole domain. There were things in there that I know not even my Grandma was aware of.

It was all so uncomfortably intimate going through his personal files and paperwork. Seeing what he saved, filed or collected revealed aspects of his personality that I wasn't aware of. As his granddaughter it felt slightly inappropriate for me to be the one going through his personal things and independently deciding what to do with it all. My Grandma didn't want to have to make any of those decisions or even know about it. I also don't think any of my Aunt's or Uncle's wanted the task. A large part of me thinks that the only reason why my Grandmother was ok with me doing this is because my Grandfather expressed this desire so many times before. If he had never mentioned it I doubt I would have gone anywhere near it.

One thing I have gleaned from the experience is that I don't really want any of my children and certainly not my grandchildren going through my personal papers after I'm gone. I'm extremely torn over my written journals. There is so much in them that is intensely personal and painful. It is one of the few ways I have learned to cope with my PTSD, through writing it all out on paper. A large part of me thinks I should burn them, but I'm not there yet. I don't know what I want done with them once I'm gone. The historian in me feels like there may be some value there to a researcher, but the private part of me balks at the idea of them being made public.

Still Unemployed, Still Depressed

2011-05-05T14:58:00.000-07:00

I've been looking for work for the past 4 months, plus a little time before Christmas. Job searching by far is the most depressing thing and can bring anyone down, not just those already inclined towards depression. I guess the hard part for me is that despite all the resumes I'm sending out I haven't heard back from a single place. I have yet to land any kind of an interview. The second part is that about a month ago I decided to stop looking for work anywhere in Canada and focus just on the area around where Quiet Confidence lives. This has presented some problems since it's an area heavily focused on Math related careers and Computer stuff - both of which I'm wildly unqualified for.

I haven't worked a corporate job in 5 years, just academia (TAing and the like), and I think it's hurting my chances. There's no easy answer to finding a job, let alone finding a job as a History major. The best I can do is get up every morning and surf the job boards and toss out resumes to anything that looks like I'm sort of qualified for. I've noticed though in the last month or so that I'm finding it very hard to motivate myself to apply for things. I honestly thought I would have found something by now, even a contract position somewhere for a couple of months. There just isn't a high demand for qualitative research based jobs - if I could rock statistics than I would easily be employed by now I'm sure.

Overall I'm just dissatisfied and my med's aren't working as well as they should be. I'm also growing more despondent about the current state of my personal life. I never thought I'd be one of those girls who gets all upset about not getting engaged/married, but there it is. After 3 years with a person who ticks all my boxes and is the best thing that has happened to me relationship-wise I don't understand what is holding him back. We talk about marriage and future plans all the time, but as far as I know he hasn't made any step closer to asking me to marry him. Just about everyone in my family is asking when we're getting married already - and some are down right aggressive about it. It's to the point where I'm avoiding going home so I don't have to hear it anymore. I don't think he realizes how upset the whole thing makes me since I try not to bug him about it or even talk about it anymore. I don't want to pressure him since everyone else seem's to be doing that.

On Books & Reading

2011-03-21T08:14:00.001-07:00

One of the perks of taking time away from my doctorate has been the freedom to read fiction again. I have always been an avid bookworm, however I realized that once I started my Masters I quickly gave up on reading fiction because I had so many non-fiction reads for class and research. I read a couple of novels every year during grad school, usually the books my mom gave me for Christmas, but I always felt guilty for taking that reading time away from my degree. Honestly, I think a lot of graduate students who like to read feel the same way - if you're reading for pleasure you're doing it wrong.

Books have always been important to me. They are a fundamental part of who I am and how I survived some tough years in the public school system. Ever since I learned to read I have carried a book with me almost constantly. That is, until my graduate school years. It has been a great pleasure to dive back into fiction again. As an informal goal I want to read 100 books in 2011. Even if I don't make it to that number, I'm going to give it a run for its money and enjoy myself in the process. I've already made it through 13 books since the New Year and discovered some new authors that are great and some books with lots of press that turned out to stink.

First and foremost of those books which I haven't enjoyed much is Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go. Unfortunately this book is being made into a movie. Save yourself the time of both reading the book and watching the movie by watching the trailer. It basically sums up every major theme and plot point in the book and delivers it in 3 minutes give or take. It also gives you about as much depth into the character's as the author was able to give them in the novel. I found the narrator's style of delivery to be sloppy and annoying. It also didn't really further the story or add anything new to make me confront the ambiguity of the scientific ethics of cloning.

Many reviews talked about a book where you spent a lot of time reading between the lines. While this is true since a lot of the dialogue and descriptions are vague and not fully realized it didn't stir any debate within my mind on the subject. It was not, for me, a "thought-provoking exposition on whose life is worth living and who, if anyone, has the right to set the terms and conditions" as one reviewer wrote. The essence of the book was a great idea, the execution was not brilliant. It was boring and tedious to trudge through all 263 pages. Too much time was spent on minutia and supposedly deep relationships that weren't convincing or even interesting, just petty. Worst of all is that in order to finish up the book the author spells it all out in a final meeting between characters, something he spent the previous 250 pages dancing around and never revealing much. Why bother being so vague and ambigious if you're just going to give me the point blank solution in the end, instead of letting puzzle through it and wrestle with the moral implications. A much better book to read about a dystopian society and the politics of ownership of another human being is Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale.

Escapism

2011-03-15T12:56:00.000-07:00

Over the last few months I seem to have drifted into living with Quiet Confidence pretty much full time. It's not something we've really talked about and officially I'm not actually living here. I still go home to my parents house in between since all my stuff is there and sometimes I need to escape for a bit. It is nice to have that pressure release valve when it gets too difficult to deal with the relationship. Part of me feels that this escapism isn't exactly good for the relationship, but then again I still run when the urge becomes overwhelming. I usually find that 2 or 3 days apart is enough for me to breath and sort my head a bit.

I still find it hard to open up about aspects of my PTSD or depression, particularly when I'm in the grips of a really fierce bout. It's only human that Quiet Confidence would lose patience with me occasionally, or not understand where the anger, passive aggressive behaviour, apathy or silent brooding is emanating from. I think it's particularly confusing because I can be perfectly fine when he leaves for work and he'll come home to me in a funk with no context to understand it. Sometimes I can't even understand where it comes from or what has set me off. It's especially difficult when I feel like that and I can't open my mouth to speak my feelings, no matter how much I actually want to. There is something stopping me - kind of like those dreams where you open your mouth to scream, but you just can't make a sound.

A lot of the time I try to fight through the feelings of panic and escape to stay and deal with the relationship, but there are times when even my best efforts aren't enough. I feel afraid that one day he'll look at me like Mr. Intellectual did, with resentment and disdain that I can't "fix" myself and be normal. I don't ever want to experience that again in a relationship, so I take a breather to cope in private with my issues, so that I don't drag us both down. On some unspoken level I think we both understand what I'm doing, even though we don't talk about it.

Big Changes

2011-01-24T18:37:00.000-08:00

I've felt myself slipping into something different and yet familiar for the past year. School interested me less and less, stress was aggravating my PTSD more frequently and for longer periods of time, and I slowly stopped doing my hobbies one by one without realizing it. Then one day I woke up and realized I was miserable, walking through my life in a fog. I felt lost and angry almost daily. There were days when it was all I could do to keep myself from doing something foolish - I was consumed by suicidal ideations. I felt like life was not worth living if it was going to be this pointless grind for another 45+ years. I had a lot of self-loathing and hate for myself. This was just not the life I wanted to be living.

I knew I had to make some drastic changes if I had any hope of picking myself up out of this round of depression. Especially since it was really affecting my relationship with Quiet Confidence. After 4 months of agonizing over my decision I went back on anti-depressants and applied for a year-long medical leave of absence from my Doctoral program. I'm burnt out and frustrated with my program and the set backs I've had in the past year trying to get my comprehensive exams done.

I was going to out and out quit my Ph.D program if they wouldn't have granted me the leave of absence. I didn't want to burn any bridges, however, and wanted to leave myself the option of going back if I changed my mind in a year and fell in love with my program again. As of right now I have no intention of going back. I'm disappointed with the administration, with the level of support from my University and with the whole thing in general. But who knows where I'll be in a year?

I started applying for jobs just before Christmas. I'm trying to find something that interests me and will also pay me in relation to the level of education I've recieved. I might be expecting too much at this point, but right now I feel I can be a little bit choosier. The job market is still tough and I might be a little more willing to compromise and just find something that pays the bills if I haven't found anything by Spring. Right now though, I don't want to jump from the frying pan and into the fire - that being another job and situation I'm not happy in. I have a small nest egg to keep me going until Spring, plus the generosity of my parents for letting me stay with them rent free. I've also got the support of Quiet Confidence who is letting me stay with him when I need a break from my parents house. Despite the bad, I'm actually really, really lucky. I've got a great support network, people who love me, believe in me and are giving me the space to explore new opportunities.

I'm slowly taking control of my life again, instead of letting myself drift. I'm trying to engage with life again and take up hobbies and passions gradually. I've also been happier since I left my University and got the acceptance for my leave of absence. That alone tells me that I made the right decision for me. I still have bad days, but I'm slowly working towards having more good days than bad days. Baby steps.

Anger Misjudged

2010-09-19T10:14:00.001-07:00

I always finding it surprising when I discover something new about myself or what makes my PTSD tick. It usually comes to me out of the blue and it's not always when I'm doing something related to the revelation. This morning I realized I have a skewed perception of anger and how I relate to it. Ever since the stalking and PTSD I have misjudged how people react to my behaviours, particularly when I can't see the person. It is how I perceive the person and it's not reality, particularly when it comes to email interactions. I am constantly thinking and fearing that my emails, or my avoidance of emails have created some kind of anger reaction in the other party. I am constantly reminding myself that for the most part people do not care or think about me, that my lack of an email back to a friend or a timely response to a professor does not create anger in them, but most likely they don't even think about it. The same can be true of face to face interactions. I'm constantly wondering and worrying that something I've said, or done will create anger in the other person and how I'll deal with it.

It's a vicious cycle and I can't believe that I am just seeing it now, 5 years after the incident. I was constantly on edge over emails from the stalker - do I respond, do I avoid, do I try to reason with him, will I say something that angers him and starts the cycle of threats, phone calls and emails. I knew that email and msn have long been a trigger that creates PTSD symptoms - particularly the computer sounds from a new email, or the pinging of a new message from MSN. It was so bad at one point that I had to change all of the sounds on my msn messenger and my email so that they wouldn't immediately make me sick to my stomach, anxious and paranoid. I spent weeks and months learning to overcome my fear of email and I'm still not completely over it. I still kind of hold my breath when I open my email or log onto messenger but it no longer holds the same terrifying feelings it once did. To find out now that I still have email issues is both enlightening and sad for me. It's good to know because now I can work on finding ways to overcome this problem, but it's also sad to see how far I've come only to realize I still have so much ahead of me.

How to Save Money at University - Books

2010-08-26T11:22:00.000-07:00

Saving money while attending University is difficult to do - especially when tuition and living expenses are not getting any cheaper. By some miracle and a lot of hard work I have managed to complete my BA, MA and 3 years of my Ph.D without going one penny into debt. I think that's about to change if I continue my Ph.D since my funding is running out and financing this kind of a degree is a bit different than my previous two.

So, a few tips for those who are attending University for the first time this fall. I'm sure there are a few things in here that returning students will find useful as well. This post was getting extremely large so I'm breaking it down into several parts, the first being textbooks.

1. DO NOT buy your textbooks before the first day of class. Go to class, pick up a syllabus and figure out what books are absolutely necessary, what books will be on course reserve at the library and if the textbook has changed from last years offering of the same class. I made the mistake in second year of trying to get a jump on things and the huge line-ups at the bookstore by buying my textbooks early. The textbooks had completely changed between when the professor submitted their syllabus in August and when class started in September.

I also know professor's who have extra complimentary copies of textbooks from the printers and give them away in a lottery the first day of class - for a few of my students last term that was a $250 value just for showing up to pick up their syllabus. If the textbooks are the same as last year scope out bulletin boards on campus for people selling their used textbooks cheap.
Another tip is to ask your TA if they are selling their copies of the textbook from last year. I hate having copies of the same thing hanging around my house so I'll sell my books from last year when I get my new teaching copies. One of my friends keeps her copies and loans them out to students who are hard up.

2. Once you've figured out what books are absolutely necessary, check out the library and see if they're available on reserve, or in the stacks. I was extremely fortunate in that a lot of my textbooks were available on reserve for 2-4 hours at a time. While this requires some dedicated hours in the library to read and co-ordinating my schedule to accommodate this slight inconvenience it saved me hundreds of dollars every year. Chances are you'll be on campus with a couple of breaks in between classes anyways so this works well. The other ace up my sleeve was that my mother was a graduate student at another University. She could take out books by the semester for me and since they were from another institution it usually meant that the books weren't recalled too often. I realize this isn't an option for everyone, however if the books are in the stacks take them out and keep renewing them. If they get recalled, be ruthless - hold onto the book until the last possible day before accruing fines. As soon as you return the book, recall it back. It's not about being 'nice', it's about getting what you need to succeed in school.

3. If your books aren't on reserve and aren't cheaply available second hand consider pooling your money and finding a good friend in the same class to go in on a communal textbook. This comes with its own set of issues, but if you're in the same class, live close to each other or better yet are roommates I've seen this work out quite well. I've also seen the bad side of this when a friend of Mr. Intellectual's didn't break up with his then girlfriend until the day of the exam because they were sharing the textbook. Classy.

4. Another option is to borrow a friends copy of the textbook for an afternoon and photocopy the entire textbook. It might set you back $20-40 depending on how many pages the books is, if you can get two pages of the textbook per side and if you double-side your photocopying. Places like Staples or Business Depot will even spiral bind the whole thing for about $2.50 depending on how thick that sucker is. Be careful about where you do this. The last year I was in my previous Uni town the Staples got in trouble with the copyright people and wouldn't allow any photocopying of more than 10% of any book. They should have signs posted if this is something they're still monitoring. The irony is that the UPS store allowed me to photocopy an entire book and they were a half a block from the Staples. It shouldn't be a problem if you go to a copy center a little further from the University. One of my old room mates photographed large sections of his friend's textbooks with a good digital camera. I've also used my scanner to copy introductions and conclusions for books I need for my comprehensive exams. I've also scanned only the pages I was responsible for reading each week according to the syllabus. Get creative. The same goes for those horrifically overpriced course packs from the University print shop. I highly recommend sharing those, or borrowing one to photocopy since that's all they are in the first place - a spiral bound compilation of articles and what not that have been photocopied by the University.

5. Looking online can be your best bet for affordable books. See if your University has an online bulletin board for selling books, furniture or ride shares etc. These are easy places to find used books in good condition. Also check out kijiji or craigslist.org for your city for textbooks. Price compare between the bookstore and Amazon or Chapters/Indigo. My one caveat with Chapters/Indigo is that they are notorious for taking forever to ship textbooks. If it takes more than 3 weeks you are not saving any money because you will be 3 weeks behind in your readings for a semester that is only 12 weeks long. This is A LOT of reading to catch up on. Another really awesome online resource is AbeBooks.com. It is THE best place to find rare, out of print and hard to find textbooks or any book in general. Just be careful of where they're coming from since it is worldwide and there will be shipping delays if you're getting your textbook out of Australia vs. continental North America. Also watch the shipping charges, the cheapest book available isn't necessarily so when you factor in shipping charges.

6. Don't wait too long to buy your books if you have to buy a textbook. Some of my students got burned this past year because they were going to buy the course pack in separate pieces by the semester. By Christmas the Campus bookstore had returned all the books they needed for the Winter term and they were stuck waiting weeks for the store to order in new copies for them. The same thing has happened to students who were waiting for their OSAP funding to come in before buying books, or waiting until after Thanksgiving. There is a small window of opportunity unfortunately and the bookstore will get rid of unsold copies fairly quickly to make room for new books or to save themselves money. The Campus Bookstore is also most likely to be the most expensive place to buy your textbooks. Look around and see if your school has a used bookstore, a co-op bookstore or if there is a used bookstore off campus run by some one other than your University.

7. Only get the required texts. Take a look at the recommended books, but if you don't think you're going to crack them or won't find them useful don't buy them. There is a reason they are 'recommended' instead of 'required'. That being said I have a couple of recommended textbooks that I still use today years later - these are mostly style guides and Kate Turabian's A Manual for Writers of Term Papers, Theses, and Dissertations.

8. If you have old books that you won't refer to anymore or don't want because the course was a stinker try selling them to come up with this years book money. I don't recommend selling them back to the bookstore. You will get an insulting fraction of the price for your textbook, even if it's in pristine condition with no underlining, highlighting or creased pages. Make up posters with tags to rip off that have your phone number and email address to sell those unwanted books. Plaster them in highly visible places - the library, the University Student Centre, major hallways of Dorms, and outside the bookstore. My favourite place to put up my ads to sell textbooks are right outside the classroom where the course I'm selling textbooks for meets. It's pretty easy to look up on the Registrar's website where and when the course is held. Just make sure your ads are up before the first class meets and be realistic on your prices. If your books are overpriced compared to your competition they won't move. Also be honest about their condition (some highlighting, underlining, new/unused condition etc). Include the course code, the author, title and edition of your books as well as your asking price. If you're willing to negotiate on price then say so. I usually neatly handwrite my ads using bright marker so they're legible but they also stand out from the piles of other textbook ads.

9. Look into getting a Library card for your University town's public library. Depending on what courses you are taking they will have some of those books available to borrow and most students won't even think about checking out a public library when they're in the bubble of the University. The same thing goes for when you're writing a paper and all the good books for your subject have been taken already - check out the public library.

Things I'd Like

2010-08-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

Just a few things that I'd love to purchase, but haven't for one reason or other. Mostly because I'm a broke student and luxury items are more along the lines of a cup of coffee not made at home and a used paperback. I'm also desperately trying to keep my spending down in order to build up my savings.

Mad Men, season's 1-3 on DVD.

MAC fluidline in the shade macroviolet

A Minus Hipster Plus. I really like their designs.

Necklush, charcoal grey. I love this modern interpretation of the scarf. It is so not your grandma's neck covering.

A Slim Line leather journal, handmade by Julia Boyles.

Letting Go, Part I

2010-08-23T07:58:00.000-07:00

It takes a lot of energy and mental capacity to hold onto something, especially anger. Many religions preach the doctrine of forgiveness or showing mercy towards others - particularly Christianity, of which I'm the most familiar with. No where, however, does the bible preach about forgiving and forgetting and yet over time these two concepts have become intertwined. Forgiveness has become synonymous with forgetting the transgression and many believe that without the forgetting component that forgiveness has not truly been achieved. To me this is a fallacy. Forgiveness can happen without forgetting and there are times when forgetting can be dangerous, leaving you open to a repeat of the same hurt. Forgiving and forgetting are two different concepts and should not be intertwined.

Forgiveness is a deeply personal choice and something that happens not so much for the person who has transgressed you, so much as it is for you. Many times the person who has hurt you may not even be aware of the consequences of their behaviour on others, nor are they aware of whether or not you have forgiven them. Thus forgiveness is not so much to ease their guilt or conscience, but rather to ease your mind and free yourself from the chains that holding onto the pain creates in your life. It does not mean forgetting, but rather making peace with what happened and consciously moving forward, instead of letting yourself get bogged down in what happened. This is where I think the "forgetting" concept has been misapplied to the letting go aspect of forgiveness.

To me forgiveness means letting go. Letting go of the emotional turmoil, the anger, resentment, or sadness encompassed in the action or event that has wronged you. It does not mean that you are ok with what happened, just that you have chosen to make peace with it in order to move forward. Wikipedia defines forgiveness as, "the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution." For me the important part of that thought is no longer seeking repayment or justice and stopping the negative feelings. This can be a powerful healing tool and one that I know first hand can be extremely difficult, if not impossible. For some people forgiveness is just not possible and I understand that without judgment.

Dress Shopping

2010-07-19T13:36:00.000-07:00

Later this summer one of my brother's is getting married. In anticipation of the event I've been searching for a dress off and on - something that is appropriate for a family wedding, not dowdy looking, and not black. The last three dresses I bought for weddings were black and it's time for a change, not to mention the fact that this is a summer garden wedding and black would be too hot.

Along the way one of the sales staff I encountered had one of the nicest ways of telling me that a dress made me look fat. After stuffing myself into a dress that was a size too small, just to see if it looked good enough to order in my appropriate size she approached me with the line:

"Maybe we should find a dress that's a little more gentle on your curves."

I had to commender her aplomb in the situation since my ample chest was trying to break free of that dress and it was anything but flattering. In the end I did buy something from that store, but more than anything I was impressed with how this young woman handled things. Especially since I'm so used to retail workers lying and saying everything looks great on me, regardless of whether or not it really does.

The Effects of Moving Home

2010-07-05T06:58:00.001-07:00

It's now been a month since I moved back to my parents house. It hasn't been the smoothest transition and I still feel like a transient. I've been splitting my time between my parents house and Quiet Confidence's. His apartment has been a necessary respite at times when I just need some space from my family or the things which are weighing me down.

The one thing I never really anticipated in moving home is that it would increase the triggers that sets off my PTSD. I haven't lived at home for longer than a couple of weeks since I acquired PTSD and didn't realize that I haven't learned to control or offset the triggers caused from this place. I'm still learning what around here is even a trigger. It has been a bit of a setback. I'm still not sure how to best cope with the problem. Leaving for QC's when I'm completely overwhelmed and unable to guide myself out of it has been essential.

Unfortunately I've been fairly withdrawn and moody around my family and I feel guilty for it. I'm hoping they don't take it personally, but I know that they are aware that not everything is ok with me. I'm not the most open and forthcoming person when it comes to personal things, so talking about it with anyone around here doesn't even cross my mind. I'm going to give yoga, working out and getting more sunshine a shot for a couple of weeks to see if it improves my mindset. If that fails to lift me out of my depression then I'll be heading back to my Doctor for antidepressants.

Measured Breaths

2010-06-27T07:05:00.000-07:00

I'm lying in bed trying to slow my breathing down. I'm trying desperately to stop myself from hyperventilating but controlled, even breaths just aren't coming. Tears roll down my cheek, unnoticed, as I focus more and more of my energies on taking in air deep into my lungs. Images flood my mind on fast forward and as each scene clicks past my consciousness my breathing quickens. Each in and out is like a knife in my chest. My heart races and I ball my hands into fists pressed against my eyes.

I want to call Quiet Confidence to talk me down, but I'm not sure I can speak on the phone. I don't want to call at 2am only to have him hear sobbing and my out of control breathing. Even larger than my desire to hear his voice is the fear that he won't pick up. The thought of reaching out and discovering that he's not available is terrifying. It is untested territory. It is easier to go it alone than call and have it confirmed that I really am alone.

Mr. Intellectual was full of unfulfilled promises and an inability to be supportive of me and it has forever tainted me. I remember the nights when I was suicidal and desperate calling out for help and he would refuse to come see me. He didn't even want to talk to me on the phone and his indifference to my pain pushed me further into the darkness. I remember the way it made me feel and how I lost respect and love for him over his behaviour. After we broke up I never wanted to feel like that with another person, especially someone I love.

That is why I lay at 2 am concentrating on the in and out of my breath while abhorrent images scream through my minds eye. It is easier to hear the next day that I should have called than to call in the moment and find myself listening to an answering machine instead of a real person.

In Season

2010-06-24T18:36:00.000-07:00

Sweet Cherries are now in season on the farm. It has been really nice to walk out to the field in the early evening for some fresh cherries straight off the tree.

I like the quiet and seeing the progress made in the orchard. It is a world apart from what I do during the day and reminds me of my roots.

Empty ladders, left by the trees to be picked tomorrow.

I like to contemplate my work as I walk through the rows of trees. Or just think about life and how I'm feeling. It is a good time to check in with myself emotionally and work through things that are bothering me.

Cherries that didn't make the grade for market are dumped on the ground to be worked under.

The farm is a great place for some quiet contemplation. It also brings me back in touch with the rhythm of the seasons. If you live in Ontario now is the time to look for fresh, local sweet cherries at your farmer's market or grocery store. However, beware that what you're looking at might be cherries from Washington state, not Ontario - so read those signs carefully, or ask questions.

More Than A Hug

2010-06-23T20:24:00.000-07:00

I close my eyes and let the sensations wash over me. The feel of your arms as they wrap around me and draw me in close. The smell of your shirt as I burrow my face into your chest, looking for that sweet spot somewhere between your shoulder and your neck; where my head fits perfectly into your body. I inhale deeply and feel myself slowly relaxing, the tension leaving my body. I cling to you for several moments, drawing strength from your calm assurance, from the solid mass of your frame. I feel safe and loved.

This is the moment I think about when I'm making the long drive to your place. It is the moment I dream about when we're apart during the week. It is the moment when my fears recede into the background. It is the moment when I can just be.

Everyday Life with PTSD

2010-06-18T07:04:00.000-07:00

There are some things in life that time can not diminish. I'm finding that Post-Traumatic Stress is one of these things. I've spent a lot of time and energy over the past year or so working on my triggers, learning to feel safe and to trust again. There are however, moments when try as I might it comes crashing in on me. It happens in ways and circumstances that I just can't predict and work towards overcoming.

Yesterday I received a Canada Post notice in my mailbox. For the normal person this is a small matter of curiousity and possibly excitement. Who doesn't like getting mail? Instead I started to feel anxious and panicky. I wasn't expecting any packages- I hadn't ordered anything recently. A closer inspection of the notice indicated that it wasn't a package at all that I was supposed to pick up, but instead a letter. This set off more alarm bells and general waves of anxiety.

Instead of thinking logically about what the letter could be I immediately jumped into wild speculations of something from my stalker or something to do with him. I couldn't help myself. I felt sick to my stomach and refused to face my fears straight on by picking it up that afternoon. Instead I waited to talk to Quiet Confidence that evening before I decided what I was going to do. After talking me down a bit and reassuring me it was fine I agreed t0 go the next day to pick it up. If it was a plain envelope that didn't give me any clues of its origin I'd wait to open it until later when I would be at QC's house. It seemed like a rational, sane plan but I was still really worried. I spent a while that night fretting over the letter and what the hell the stalker could possibly want from me after all this time. Fear is a real and powerful emotion.

This morning over breakfast it came to me in a flash of insight what was waiting for me at the Post Office. I had gone in about a week ago to apply for a passport and it was supposed to be mailed to me after processing. I was told it wouldn't be ready before the end of the month so I had completely forgotten about it. Once I realized what was going on I started to tear up in frustration.

This summer is the 5 year mark of when the whole stalking nightmare began. I had hoped that after 5 years I wouldn't be bothered by it all, and the PTSD would be just a distant memory. It frustrates me that it still crops up. I'm beginning to think it will always be a part of me, even if it is only in the occasional relapse or situational episode. I hate that the unexpected sends me into a tailspin. I hate that I can't handle surprises. I hate that I can't answer the phone if it's not a number I recognize. After 5 years I still hold my breath for a second before I open up my email. There are some days when it makes me uncomfortable to go outside the house in public, so I hide out at home with the doors locked. I know that this is not a normal way to live.

Despite all of this I think I've made a lot of progress in the past year. I can generally recognize when I'm heading into trouble and take steps to alleviate the symptoms of my PTSD. Instead of being in the throws of an episode for weeks on end I can generally keep it confined to a couple of hours if I'm lucky or a few days if I'm not. It helps a lot that Quiet Confidence knows about it all and can sometimes tell if it's PTSD or something else bothering me. Having a supportive and understanding partner has helped me to build the safety net I need to function as normally as possible. I just wish I could handle being surprised a little bit better than I currently do.

Straight out of an Episode of Hoarders

2010-05-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

Shortly after Christmas I received a free one month preview from one of the cable providers in my area. This preview introduced me to the A&E show Hoarders and I quickly became fascinated and slightly obsessed. For those who haven't heard of this show, the website describes it as a "fascinating look inside the lives of two different people whose inability to part with their belongings is so out of control that they are on the verge of a personal crisis." A lot of these crisis are quite serious - everything from losing their kids, evictions, and having their house condemned to adult protective services stepping in if they're seniors and taking them into custody. It's tragic and depressing to watch, while occasionally being down right disgusting to see what conditions people actually live in.

The show is a train wreck but I couldn't avert my eyes. It reminded me of a couple of incidents and behaviours I had experienced in previous relationships. I had all but forgotten a lot of it but I remember that at the time I couldn't understand why they did certain things. I chalked a lot of it up to being males and naturally predisposed to living in unkempt conditions. Their places went beyond just a little messy though and fell more towards the downright disgusting and unsanitary. It was more than apathy and laziness that was causing them to not clean up after themselves.

More than their sheer laziness and filthy homes I remembered my behaviour when confronted with these things. I was left wondering what on earth possessed me to do the things I did, especially considering I didn't really like either of the guys. I was with them, but I didn't consider myself to be dating them. It was a strange time in my life when I was what I defined as the "un-girlfriend". I was the girl they thought they were dating, however I didn't exactly treat them well or act like they were legitimate boyfriends. The Jock never even knew where I lived, never met any of my friends and definitely was not introduced to my family. Candidate #2 knew where I lived, but never stayed over and only made it inside the door twice in the year we were seeing each other. The only reason he was inside my home was because he was picking me up and the second time he had stopped over with flowers in a desperate bid to keep me when he knew I was fed up and wanted out.

In both cases I remember doing their dishes on a number of occasions when I was so fed up with the filth. In Candidate #2's case it happened a lot because he hated dishes and lived alone so there was no one else around to complain. He would leave food and random plate scraps in the sink along with his dishes for days and days. I would hazard a guess that some of the pots and pans could spend weeks sitting in the sink and he would turn a blind eye to it all. He also had the nasty habit of leaving leftovers in the fridge to die. Generally it was just easier to throw out the tupperware than to try to empty its noxious contents and wash it for reuse.

I also remember showing up one afternoon when the Jock was at work to clean out his room. It wasn't the biggest room in the student rental and it was made even smaller by the fact that there was garbage, paperwork, clothes and random detritus all over the floor and piled up in random areas. There was a small path from the door to the bed that was sort of clear and enough room to open the bedroom door, but that was about it. I remember spending an afternoon in there with a couple of garbage bags sifting through the garbage and bringing some order to the chaos. I remember that I was so tired of the mess and so desperate to spend one night there in a some what clean bedroom.

This cleaning up behaviour on my part seemed to escalate over time because over a year later I was with Candidate #2 and doing the same thing. I remember cleaning up an entire 2 bedroom townhouse this time around. I couldn't stand the cigarette butts piled over top the ashtray and onto the coffee table, random bits of ash on all kinds of surfaces. The small mountain of pop cans and empty water bottles scattered throughout the house, the stupid pot paraphernalia littered about, the balled up socks discarded in the living room and the mountains of dirty laundry in the basement with matching cousins in the bedroom. I remember one day in particular I had reached my limit and kind of cracked.

I had been avoiding staying over night for a while because he hadn't washed his extremely dirty sheets in a couple of weeks. I couldn't handle the situation and needed to find order in the chaos, both in that house and in my head. Over the course of the day I washed somewhere in the neighbourhood of 12 or 13 loads of laundry, finding shorts from our June camping trip on the bottom of the pile - it was November. I threw out a couple of cases worth of empty water bottles and nearly as many in empty diet coke. Old newspapers, pizza boxes, junk fliers, candy wrappers, McDonald's bags - it all got tossed in the dumpster. I'm not even sure how many garbage bags I took out that day. I stopped short of cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming, but everything else was fair game. I'm not really sure why I bothered. I think I wanted out of the relationship, but instead of dealing with the abstract reality of that I could only cope with the physical reality in front of me.

Watching episode after episode of Hoarders brought up all those old feelings and memories. It wasn't the proudest time in my life, nor one of the easiest. I don't like that I reverted into a maternal figure and cleaned up after them. I don't like that I settled for men at the time that I was ashamed of and didn't really like. I don't like that I was in such a head space that I was kind of ok with hanging out in a place that looked like it belonged on an episode of Hoarders. Eventually I was so overloaded by the show that I stopped watching. I can't handle watching another episode of Hoarders because it makes my skin crawl and it makes me feel like I'm right back there in the living room of the Jock's house or Candidate #2's. It's a feeling and a time I'd rather forget about right now.

A Life in Flux

2010-04-13T05:57:00.001-07:00

I've entered into another period of great changes in my life. I've decided to move home for financial and mental health reasons. I'm not certain that the decision is the right one considering that I haven't lived at home in 6 years. It also means giving up certain freedoms and making compromises. That being said, I really hope that it improves my overall quality of life and gives me the much needed mental boost that I've been looking for over the past year.

For the past year I've been under a low-grade and constant depression, which has been compounded by some unresolved health issues. I'm hoping that this round of specialists and testing will be able to give me some answers or at least resolve the worry I've felt about it.

I have just under 2 months left in my current University town to wrap up loose ends, pack and hopefully finish up with my Specialists in this area. It doesn't mean that I'll be packing in my Ph.D., but rather that I'll be moving office locations and commuting when necessary. I've never been enamoured with my current city, nor with the University itself. I'm hoping that with some distance and perspective that I can learn to love my University and my degree again. In any case, I'll at least be surrounding by some very supportive people and an environment that has been restful for me in the past. I just need something stable at the moment to anchor myself to.

Olympic Pride

2010-02-28T17:28:00.000-08:00

Today is a proud day to be a Canadian. Not only for our gold medal games in both women's and men's Hockey at the Olympics, but also for our overall performance. We stood up well to the test and I'm so proud of all our athletes, regardless of whether or not they made it to the podium.

As the host nation of the 2010 Winter Olympics I think Vancouver did a fine job showcasing our country and celebrating not only our achievements, but the achievements of all the athletes. It reminds me of why I love my country and why I am proud to say I am Canadian!

2009 in Review

2009-12-29T12:53:00.000-08:00

Ever since Christmas day the newspapers have been running all these 'year in review' articles - everything from disasters of the year to viral videos of the year and everything in between. For the most part I've been skipping over them since I find them tedious and annoying. Do we really need to know which celebrities had the worst scandals of the year? I do not want to read my celebrity trash in my national newspaper. If I want celebrity fluff I check out dlisted, not my Canadian paper.

That being said it made me think over a few things from the past year as I changed out my old calendar for my new one. I usually write on my calendar when I've been to the gym and done what so that I can keep track and use it as motivation. This year has been rather sparse in the gym as evidenced by my ever-expanding waistline (much to my discomfort). I decided to tally up the hours.

16 hours on a spin bike
9 hours on a yoga mat

There was some other miscellaneous stuff in there, but the most significant time put in was yoga and spin.

In other areas of my life some of the 'big' things to happen in 2009 were:

- The birth of my nephew to brother #3 and his wife on January 1st

- The marriage of brother #4, the World Traveler, on February 10th.
This was a hard one since none of the family was invited and it happened spontaneously in front of a Justice of the Peace on a random Tuesday in February. We had been struggling with his wedding announcement since he had been dating his wife for only a few months when he told us, and we had only met her once. We are still struggling with this one as she came with two little boys with some interesting issues.

- In May, Quiet Confidence and I shared our one-year anniversary together and promptly celebrated by not going to Montreal like we had originally planned.

- The graduation of my 'son', brother #6 and the baby of the family, from University in June.

- The engagement of brother #2 in mid-December to a wonderful girl that he has been seeing for the past year. The whole family is excited for their upcoming summer wedding.

I can't be certain what 2010 holds for me, or my family. I can only hope it won't be such a roller coaster of a year, but it's so hard to tell at the moment. Either way it will definitely be a year of transition as Quiet Confidence looks for work, having recently completed his Bachelor's degree. I have my comprehensive exams in spring, which are monumental and signal the shift from reading and writing to research and writing for my thesis- a completely different and altogether scary prospect.

Germ Warfare

2009-11-09T18:58:00.001-08:00

Call me crazy, but this year I just don't want to get sick. I do not want an extra cold or the flu or any other malady this winter if I can help it. It's not just the H1N1 pandemic, it is any illness that my students drag into the classroom. Many of them live in University residences which can be a hotbed of strange infectious diseases. Others live in high density housing with anywhere from 2-6 students per house. University students can be just as bad as small elementary school-age children for spreading germs and illness.

With this in mind I've taken the unconventional step of putting my students midterms in the freezer overnight (double wrapped in plastic to avoid moisture) to kill any wayward viruses and bugs. I'm not 100% convinced it will get everything, but whatever I can do to slightly decrease my chances of getting sick is welcomed. This is not something I've ever done before and I may not do it again. I'm just taking some precautions considering how much I'll be touching these midterms over the next week or so while I'm marking them. I heard about this technique through the academic grapevine. I'm not sure if it's more the stuff of urban campus legend, or scientifically proven. Either way, it won't hurt their exams.

Company's Coming

2009-11-07T15:38:00.000-08:00

I know I missed the past two days of blogging for NaBloPoMo. I had a bit of a school related crisis that made me implode for a bit. I may or may not write about it in the next few days. Lets just say that I may decide that striving for a Ph.d is not something I want to pursue anymore.

Instead of talking about that, I've decided to talk about what I like to do in preparation for a visit from Quiet Confidence. These are some things I like to do before his arrival, in no particular order:

- Clean the bathroom. I like the smell and look of a freshly scrubbed bathroom. It's also a bit of courtesy for me to neatly put away all the toiletries and things that litter my bathroom counter during the week. It's a small space and if we're sharing it for a couple of days it means there's no counter space for his things unless I tidy up.

- Catch up on all my laundry, which includes making sure there are fresh towels in the bathroom for both of us and the sheets on my bed are new. Nothing beats sleeping in clean sheets that first night.

- Wash my dishes and clean up the kitchen.

- Buy all the groceries I need for the weekend, included drink items like coke that I never use but he likes, a bottle of wine if we're feeling decadent, or some other treat. This is when I would normally plan ahead for dinners I plan to make and potentially bake a dessert for us, or a little snack of something tasty. Baking cookies also helps to make my place smell great.

- The obligatory shave, pluck, wax and general maintenance that needs to be done. If it's summer I'll probably repaint my toenails. In winter things slide a bit more.

- I straighten all the paperwork, books and files in my office area so it has some semblance of organization. Otherwise it looks like a file cabinet vomited all over my office - the hazards of still being a student. I'm a little jealous of QC because 90% or more of his work is on computer files that are all neatly out of sight and always well organized.

- A general once over of the rest of my apartment to pick up stray books, put away all the shoes that stack up next to the door during the week, and put things in order in general.

- I may also download a couple of movies for us to watch if we choose to spend a lazy evening at home, but that's not always a given.

The list looks a little like a 1950's housewife manual, but I like having things looking clean and presentable before I have company. I also don't like wasting my precious weekend time with QC running errands for grocery items I've forgotten when I want to make something in particular for dinner. I think it's my mother's influence. Saturday's were always spent cleaning up the house, catching up on laundry and generally getting things in order for the coming week. Since I don't want to spend my Saturday with QC doing that I'll make sure it's all done the Thursday or Friday before, depending on which day he comes over.

NaBloPoMo, Day 4

2009-11-04T18:23:00.000-08:00

I've been a bit busy today trying to prepare myself for a meeting tomorrow with one of my supervisors. I'm not feeling particularly creative, so in order to fulfill my requirements for NaBloPoMo I will post a couple things I am thankful for today. (I can't believe I'm already treating it like a task that needs to be completed instead of a creative exercise, but oh well).

1. I'm thankful that I didn't have to go to school today because it rained and snowed off and on all day.

2. I'm thankful for the wireless network that just popped up and I can use, even though it's not mine.

3. I'm thankful for the leftovers that Quiet Confidence sent home with me after the weekend, because it meant I had a decent dinner tonight without having to do much work to get it.

4. I'm thankful I had kleenex in the house, courtesy of my Mother, because my nose wouldn't stop running today. I either have the start of a cold or something is bothering my allergies.

Freedom (from the internet)

2009-11-03T17:18:00.000-08:00

I found an application called Freedom through a roundabout way and it looked interesting. Freedom promised to help my productivity by disabling networking on Apple computers for up to 8 hours. This way even if I wanted to go online to surf randomness I couldn't. Forcing myself to concentrate on my own work for a preset time sounded like the perfect solution to my issue. The only way to circumvent the timer on Freedom meant rebooting my computer - which seemed cumbersome enough that I won't do it lightly. Unfortunately I couldn't get it to work on my computer and I couldn't figure out why not from their support page.

If you're an academic or just can't break yourself of constantly checking email or webpage updates, instead of keeping your focus on the task at hand, this seems like a very handy application. It did get a lot of good press and reviews.

NaBloPoMo

2009-11-02T19:54:00.000-08:00

It's National Blog Posting Month again. I'm going to give it a shot and hope for the best. Last year I crashed and burned in a matter of days. Let's hope I have something to say for the next 29 days and actually remember to post it.

I suspect that weekends when Quiet Confidence is here, or I'm at his place will be the hardest.

An Odd Observation

2009-11-01T15:51:00.000-08:00

The other morning I was in the shower when something odd dawned on me. I live alone, however I have five different shampoo's in the shower, and two different types of conditioner. I never realized I had accumulated such a collection by accident. I never did this when I lived with house mates. I wonder what other weird things I've bought multiples of without realizing it.

Memories of a Happier Day

2009-09-29T17:17:00.000-07:00

One day in July, Quiet Confidence and I took a drive out to one of the Great Lakes to spend some time at the beach. On our way out there, driving on a random country road, we spotted a row of windmills that stretched far into the distance. It was a fascinating and beautiful sight as the propellers slowly moved, quietly and almost in sync, to the imperceptible summer breeze.

The Past Never Stays in the Past

2009-09-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

The weather is cooling off and the students are returning to campus and my thoughts turn not to the fall term, but rather to my failures and shortcomings. Instead of feeling the optimism of a new term and the possibilities inherent in a new school year I feel the weight of the previous terms. I cast back to that fall four years ago now, where a middle-aged man I worked with in my hometown accelerated his obsession and began stalking me in my University town. It was a situation that I have come to learn is not all that uncommon, even though I feel it should be. It escalated until one night I was raped and held against my will for over four hours until I convinced him that I had to get home and couldn’t stay with him in his car all night. After that he really came undone. It all ended with a confrontation with the police one afternoon when he showed up unannounced and uninvited to my apartment building.

I think women are taught to be nice, even when perhaps it’s not in their best interests. I know that fear for my summer job, and thinking I could reason with a person completely out of touch with reality is what led me so deep into the situation. I was trying to be nice, letting him down easy- trying to redirect his attention away from me without angering him. I was completely unfit to handle the situation. I also wanted to keep it quiet from my family and friends, thinking I could get it all to go away without having it public knowledge. I tolerated behaviour and actions at work that escalated the problem because I didn’t know who to trust or who I could go to. I was also trying to be nice when I shouldn’t have tolerated any of it for a second. I was naïve. I assumed that when I left my position for the school year that the problem would go away. I was horribly wrong and have had to live with consequences of that ignorance ever since. Even after the police became involved I stayed quiet on the most horrific aspects of the case because I was thinking of his children. I also didn’t want to deal with a trial situation and having my life aired out in public. It was very much a he-said, she-said situation and I couldn’t handle the possibility that I might lose. I also thought that if he lost his job because of me that it would give him more reason to be obsessed with me, so I kept my mouth shut.

I wish I could say I’m over it and well on the road to recovery, but my past does not stay in the past. At times I’m angry that I didn’t get any kind of justice or retribution. As far as I know he went on his merry way and life did not change all that much for him, while my life changed dramatically. I still have the occasional nightmare or flashback- fall seems to have a huge amount of triggers that put me back in that place. Talking about it or even thinking about what happened during those couple of months brings me to tears or I break out in a cold sweat. I struggle with focus and motivation as well as extreme fear that has no basis in reality. I feel like I have been unable to reclaim my life, but am stuck in some kind of limbo or purgatory where I exhibit victim behaviour and can’t completely move past it all.

A Difference in Perspectives

2009-08-07T07:39:00.000-07:00

While Quiet Confidence and I share a lot of common interests and sensibilities there is one fundamental characteristic in which we are polar opposites of each other. It is a very stark contrast and something both of us have puzzled over in private and together, not quite able to understand how the other person can be this way or how it functions.

Quiet Confidence possesses an unending optimism and positive outlook on life. It is not however, the galling kind wherein the optimism is a “Susie Sunshine” naivety in the face of incontrovertible facts to the opposite. I on the other hand seem to naturally favour a more pragmatic outlook, something I see as a starkly realistic approach to life. Sometimes it slides into pessimism on the negative side, but that I believe has more to do with the depression and happens only on my lowest days.

QC described it to me as a choice you can make, so why not choose to take the positive approach? He sees it as a “why not?” proposition- I don’t understand his choice and puzzle over how he can instinctively reach for that side of the coin. His outlook certainly isn’t because he has lived a charmed and sheltered life free from struggle or tragedy. Quite the opposite really, which is what puzzles me all the more about his mindset. Given everything he has experienced, how can he still remain so unfailingly positive?

There is something in my brain chemistry or make-up that prevents me from grabbing onto the positives in any situation as a first instinct. While I also try to make the best of any situation facing me, I chose not to put on a happy face about it, but rather to approach it with steely determination, with my eyes wide open to what I face. I would rather know exactly what kinds of highs and lows I can expect than to assume everything is positive and will be fine because life really doesn’t work that way. QC completely does not understand this about me. He doesn’t understand at all how I naturally gravitate towards the darker side of things.

This light versus dark outlook is something I know will continually mystify and intrigue each of us. Neither one of us will ever completely understand the other, but I don’t think you can ever really truly know someone and everything about him or her. Then again, that’s my pessimistic side showing itself. It has already made it difficult at times for me to explain my depression to QC because it is a phenomena that is completely foreign and new to him. He has never been exposed to it, where as this is something I have been dealing with for years now. There are plenty of times that I have struggled to find the words to describe or explain it for him adequately. I don’t think you can completely understand depression without having experienced it personally, but I will continue to help him in trying to understand it.

A Persistent Feeling

2009-08-05T06:04:00.000-07:00

It’s like a persistent rainy day. A soft grey drizzle, more like a mist than a full-blown downpour. It’s there with me when I wake up and follows me around all day. I’m not really sure how to shake it off anymore. A low level, chronic depression has been following me around for months now and I can’t seem to find the root of it or figure a way out of it. There are moments when the clouds lift and I forget all about the depression, however after a few hours or a few days it comes creeping back in. It’s not the deeper kind of depression where I just want to sleep all the time, constantly think about suicide and enter into an almost catatonic state of emotion where I’m unable to feel or connect with others. Mostly it just saps my energy, my motivation to accomplish things and my ability to focus on a task at hand.

I’m in the process of finding a new birth control pill so I don’t want to start anti-depressants in case this is related to the switch in hormones. Part of me is hoping that with the right pill that my depression will lift, however the rational, nagging part of my brain is telling me it’s more than just birth control. There is something else pulling me down. Something else is sapping my motivation and making it difficult to concentrate, focus and realize the goals I make for myself every day.

These are the days I feel like the biggest fuck-up and nothing I do is ever good enough. Quiet Confidence say’s I should go easier on myself, but it’s almost impossible to shut off that negative voice in my head. It’s a constant litany of self-abuse in my head. It’s unrelenting and just part of the depression I’ve kind of grown accustomed to. This in and of itself is kind of sad.

Rose of Sharon Progress, II

2009-07-31T06:16:00.000-07:00

Mirabilia's Rose of Sharon

Since early 2006 (Rose of Sharon in 2006) I have been working sporadically on a cross-stitch pattern for my mother. I'll go at it for a bit and then work or depression causes me to put it down for months. With the stress of my comprehensive readings upon me I've taken it up again. I hadn't stitched on it for 6 months prior to that, but I need something relaxing and slightly mindless in the evenings to help me unwind and forget about my comps. I've made a lot of progress since my last update (Rose of Sharon in 2007). Despite all of the progress I still have a lot of stitching to go before it's done and I can move on to another project. With lots of effort I could maybe finish it for Christmas this year, but a more conservative and realistic estimate would be early Spring in time for my Mom's birthday.

My Disordered Life

2009-07-14T07:31:00.000-07:00

This morning after I opened up my laptop I realized that I had downloaded a bunch of files that were cluttering up my desktop. The problem being that it was research and not easily slotted into my half-hazard filing system. My computer is a mess. Parts of it are very organized and clean, while others resemble my hall closet (which honestly, lets not go there).

If I could have just one wish today it would be that I would wake up tomorrow and my computer would have magically cleaned itself up and organized itself in a logical, simplistic manner without my help. Quiet Confidence has offered before to "help" me clean up my computer and create some order around here. After seeing how neat and tidy his computer files are I'm quite aware that he knows how to organize a computer- he is after all a computer scientist. I wish I could just give it to him to do and he could magically see inside my head and understand my files, their seemingly random descriptors and how I want my computer to look when cleaned up. Alas, I am the only one who can adequately do this job and it makes me want to just delete every single thing on my computer and start over. Except I have 6 years of research on here that I need. I would cry if I lost that much work.

An Observation of a Sort

2009-07-03T07:41:00.000-07:00

I've been visiting a bunch of blogs this morning that are on my bookmarks list, but that I haven't been to in months. I took a break from everything for a while and it seems like a lot of other people are doing the same thing. There are an overwhelming number of my old reads that have decided to either quit or take a hiatus- for some it's coming up on 3-6 months already. I don't know if it's the uncertain economic times that have caused people to refocus their priorities, or if the medium of blogging has lost some of its lustre.

In my case I feel like I've lost my voice a bit. I've also been able to share a lot of the things I previously would have written about with my partner, Quiet Confidence. A little over a year ago we started seeing each other and I finally found someone so completely supportive and non-judgemental that I could open up to. I fully opened myself up to this man and gave myself over to the experience of being with someone who fully deserved my attention and love and who gives just as much as he receives. In the process I've found a measure of balance and harmony that I have never been able to achieve with drugs or therapy. He has become that cord of steel that I can cling to when I'm spiraling out of control. I am still an imperfect person and I still have my demons to fight. I still have my down days and weeks. I still rely on medication when things become too difficult to face on my own.

For the past year I've given myself over to the process of laying a foundation for a lasting relationship. I've neglected some educational pursuits, the blog, and a couple of high-maintenance friends while I straightened my head out a bit and refocused my priorities. I needed the time off to figure out what is important to me and how to proceed from here on in. Since my birthday I've been trying to take small steps towards putting my education back on track as well as my life/career aspirations. It can be overwhelming at times given the mountain of work I have to complete as well as proving myself after my monumental fall down with the Post-Traumatic Stress. It affected my work, my completion of courses and my outlook on how I viewed myself as a scholar. Lets just say I don't think very highly of myself as a competent academic at the best of times.

Since my birthday in May I have been operating under the maxim that a healthy body creates a healthy mind. To this end I've been making small changes towards achieving that, setting micro-goals to help me towards completing a much bigger goal: namely the degree. One of the small changes I have tried to implement this week is writing for 15 minutes a day, even if its just on my blog or in my journal. I want to make writing a daily habit for me in the hopes that it will help with my career- academics labour under the notion that it is a "publish or perish" world in the University system. I'm beginning to believe this. In order to publish you have to write; something I have been unable to do for almost a year. It is my hope that by writing for 15 minutes a day it will end up not only coming easier to me, but also stretch well past 15 minutes. To keep myself in the writing habit will benefit my papers and research in the future. Writing shouldn't be a chore if I'm going to make it my primary career.

Old Hurts

2009-06-01T18:06:00.000-07:00

There are some memories of my past that never fail to bring tears to my eyes, regardless of how long ago the event in question happened. I seem to have a rich past of trauma that still stings even though some of these memories are from as long ago as when I was 4, 8 and 10. It seems almost strange to me that talking about these memories with someone will make me well up with instant tears. Very rarely can I talk or even think about these memories without tears.

Some of these painful memories seem to be the key to some sort of intrinsic part of my personality like my overwhelming abandonment issues that crop up occasionally, or my preoccupation with food and dislike bordering on anxiety about eating in front of strangers or in groups. I have wanted to write about my history of trauma for a while, but fear and anxiety has put a stopper on those stories and emotions. There are days when I can barely hold it together and I fear swimming into the deep end of these memories and problems. It was one thing to agonize over Mr. Intellectual and my sordid relationships as they related to my depression and its a whole other level when I start to unravel the rest of the trauma.

This is part of the reason why I've allowed the blog to languish into almost irrelevance in the last year or so. I had exorcised a big demon in my life and wasn't ready to move onto other mental exercises, but I think the time is right. I have a very supportive man in my life and I feel like I'm starting to get myself back on track for the degree. I'm happier and more content with things now than I have been in years. I still have my down days and weeks, but on the whole I feel like I'm on an upswing. Now to push past the fear and actually press "publish" on some of the more troubling things I've been sitting on.

Spring on the Farm

2009-05-09T11:26:00.000-07:00

I've escaped the city for a few days. I decided to spend the weekend and my birthday out on the Farm. It's my favourite time of year here and I didn't want to miss the blooming cherry trees. There is nothing more beautiful than hundreds of trees in full bloom. Unfortunately it was an overcast day, so the pictures aren't as great as I had hoped they would be.

A Conversation Between Two Old Friends

2009-05-02T16:38:00.001-07:00

"You're stronger than you think."

"You've said that before, but I remain as unconvinced now as I was then. "

I'm really not sure what my friend sees in me that I don't, but I know how I feel on the inside right now. I'm hurting again. In the last few days I've slid into a dangerous depression. I'm struggling to find purpose in my life. I want to reach out for help, but there is always something holding me back- I don't see myself as important enough for some reason, or I don't know what it is I need to help me. Right now I just feel emotionally, mentally and physically fragile.

Post-Exam Recap

2009-04-17T06:52:00.000-07:00

My students wrote their final exam this week. The subject matter is Canadian history from pre-contact to the present era, so a survey course of the entirety of Canadian history. History can get complicated, long and involved. Sometimes it's hard to boil down an event or person into a short definitive answer.

The first section of our exam was comprised of Identification and Significance questions. This is pretty standard for History exams. You get a bunch of terms, pick out the required number and then describe in 3-5 lines (or more if you're taking the shotgun approach to answers or suffer from verbal diarrhea) what/who/when/where the term was/is and how/why it is important to the overall scope of Canadian history. Simple, right? Sometimes it's anything but.

Sometimes you get some amazingly bizarre answers and you just have to wonder how their brain functions and what lecture they attended or what textbook they were reading. I had a couple of answers like that this exam. My favourite is one I'll share. I don't know what the legalities of this are, but there are no names for the guilty party.

The ID question was the Quiet Revolution. For those of you who are not versed in Canadian history, the Quiet Revolution occurred between 1960-66 in Quebec. It was a time of rapid, but nonviolent change, whereby Quebec underwent drastic evolutions in its political, social, economic and cultural structures led by Liberal Premier Jean Lesage. The Roman Catholic church's influence rapidly waned and a growing number of Quebeckers became sovereigntists, which gave rise to the separatist movements.

This particular student however, has a very different interpretation of what the Quiet Revolution meant in Canadian History:

"The Quiet Revolution is a staple of Canada's pacifistic history. When the Canadian government is mad at another country instead of outlining the problems like educated government officials they will not speak to you. If you call they will breath heavily on the phone but not utter a word. In essence a quiet revolt."

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

Exam Day

2009-04-13T05:35:00.000-07:00

This afternoon my students write their final exam. It's a three hour exam that encompasses all of Canadian history from contact to the present, or at least the 1990's. While I have a sense of relief that it's all coming to an end once I finish marking later this week, I also have an impending sense of dread. It means that yet another school year is drawing to a close and I am no further along in my goal than I was last year at this time.

There's also this giant vacuum left in my week since most of my work and thoughts have been focused around my tutorial prep and other concerns related to my students. My work kind of gets scheduled in around their needs, or shunted off to the side for big marking stints or problems in the classroom. Now that this impediment is removed I have to find something else around which to organize my week. I'm thinking that some time in the gym is more than necessary since I've gotten quite lumpy this past winter.

There are some students that I'll be happy to say good-bye to since they were a pain in my ass from day one. However, there is also a small group of students that I will miss. They are the ones who brought a sense of humour to my classroom. The ones who taught me something about myself, or brought a fresh perspective to the material under examination- some angle that I had never considered before. The students who helped me refine my teaching skills and develop my teaching philosophy. They are the students that I worked for, that I crafted my material for and helped along where ever I could. They are the students that I won't forget and that I'll wish well in their future endeavours. They are the students that remind me why I chose to enter the Ph.D program with the hope of teaching in a University one day. The ones who remind me why I love what I do, particularly on those bleak and hopeless days.

A Love/Hate Relationship

2009-04-05T06:44:00.001-07:00

I have a love/hate relationship with a website: Rate Your Students. Billed as "an oasis in the academic desert" (among other things), RYS is a place where academics from around the globe, but mainly it seems from the States, can post about their job in a frank and open manner. It started in reaction against the "Rate My Professors" website, where students can post anonymous comments and reviews of professors and their courses. Those in academia wanted a similar forum to unload on students, their jobs and the problems inherent in the system- and do they ever.

RYS looks beyond the Ivory Tower and gives a grittier, more realistic portrait of academia. At times it can be instructive and gives me hope, but the vast majority of it makes me depressed that I ever chose academia. It also makes me fearful of my future job prospects and ability to flourish in such an environment. Some days reading RYS can leave my stomach in knots of anxiety and ramp up those feelings of being unprepared, an abysmal failure and completely unsuited for graduate school, let alone teaching.

I only read RYS sparingly because of the negative reaction it gives me. I'll usually check in once or twice a month at most and read a bunch of pages in a row until I sicken myself and leave. Every once in a while I'll find something worth holding on to and remembering for later, which is what keeps me coming back. I know there are a lot of things wrong with post-secondary education, and I don't particularly see things changing in the near future. I think it would be healthier for me if I could just quit that site, but I keep getting drawn back in.

King's Quest 4- The Perils of Rosella

2009-04-01T16:50:00.000-07:00

I'm not the biggest video game player. In fact I'd go so far as to say that I don't play video games. However, as a child my parents bought a Tandy 1000 back in the mid-80's and occasionally I would play games. This of course was dependent on whether or not one of my brother's was playing the computer or not. If they were on the computer I wasn't getting any game time, which meant that I would be sitting there watching them play on the off chance that they might let me take the occasional turn. The only games I really remember playing were Larry Bird vs. Dr. J basketball, Wheel of Fortune and Jump Man. What I do remember watching a lot of was the Sierra King's Quest series of games.

Opening Screen Shot

I remember King's Quest 4- The Perils of Rosella the most. Maybe it was because the graphics were becoming more advance at that point, or I was getting older and more interested in the logical, problem solving aspects of the Sierra series, but mostly I think it's because the lead character was a female. This was an entirely new concept in the gaming world and I loved that she was the one to go on the adventure this time, not her brother. Recently I discovered that someone at Sierra had reconfigured the old KQ series to work on modern machines and released the whole thing on CD. While that point made me excited again, I was thrilled when I learned that I could actually play the games on my Mac with the help of the DOSBox program!

The two screens I remember the most from back in 1988- the Seven Dwarves Cottage and the Fishermans wharf.

I quickly found a torrent with the whole 7 game series and downloaded it. While I was looking I also found a torrent that had a bunch of the other popular Sierra games, like the Police Quest and Space Quest franchises, which I also snagged. I went straight to KQ4 and have been playing it off and on for the past couple of weeks. It is every bit as cheesy and awesome as I remember as a child, only better because this time I was the one playing every second of it.

The Infamous Apple Muffins

2009-03-31T19:22:00.000-07:00

For Christmas my oldest brother's wife gave me a recipe box filled with her favourite recipes. It was the perfect gift since I have been trying harder to make decent food for myself and expand on my kitchen skills. In the box was my 4 year old nephews favourite apple muffins- something he can't get enough of when she bakes them for breakfast for the kids.

I finally decided to try out the recipe last week. It has been on my list of things to try for weeks and I had even bought all the necessary ingredients a long time ago. I made the mistake of saying I was making apple muffins on my Facebook page, where all my brothers could read.

This created quite the furor as my youngest brother started trying to weasel some fresh muffins out of me- it was his birthday after all that day. Soon a couple more of my brother's were jumping in, along with their friends and some of my own friends. It was creating quite the facebook sensation, something I never could have anticipated. Everyone wanted the apple muffins.

My youngest brother is very persuasive. So, the next day I agreed to drive on down to the old University town where he is finishing up his final year to bring him fresh muffins and have lunch together for his birthday. I was easily persuaded since it is the last time I can do something like that with him. He's graduating this summer and moving back home to get a job. It is the end of an era and I wanted to be there with him one last time, since I was the one who moved him into his rez in first year and we shared a lot of good times together on that campus.

Later I posted the recipe for the apple muffins on Facebook, after a couple of requests, and kicked off an apple muffin baking storm as several of my friends from all over Canada fired up their ovens to try them out. As my nephew and Quiet Confidence can attest, these are good! They're more of a dessert, but make a sinfully delicious breakfast, especially the next day when all the flavours have started to mellow together. Really, the muffin mix is just a conduit for the apples and that's what makes them so perfect.

Apple Muffins

1/4 cup shortening
3/4 cup white sugar
1/2 tsp vanilla
1 egg beaten
1 cup flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1 1/2 cups chopped apples
1 tbsp cream (I substituted with milk since I don’t keep cream in the house and it was fine)

Directions:
Cream shortening and sugar together. Add vanilla and beaten egg.
Stir together dry ingredients and add wet ingredients, stirring just to moisten.
Add apples and cream gently.

Fill greased muffin cups and bake at 350* for 20-25 minutes. Enjoy!

Made to Order

2009-03-26T19:01:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago I was cleaning out my desk drawers and found something I had written out about 2 or 3 years ago. It was a list of all the qualities I was looking for in a partner and all the things that would be “deal breakers” to a lasting relationship. I remember that after I had finished writing out this list I had quietly folded it up and put it away in my desk because I felt like I would never be able to find a man who encapsulated all of those qualities. In order to avoid more heartache it was better if I didn’t think about it anymore, particularly since I was dating yet another Mr. All Wrong.

Deal Breakers:

Smoking, in any form.
Atheist (something I’m not too concerned with now, however fanatical atheism is still a deal breaker).
Possessing only a High School diploma.
Calling me a bitch in any context- joking or not.
An inability to get along with my family.
An inability to compromise.
Immaturity.
Lies- big or small is immaterial.
Obsessive or controlling.

Desires:

Fiscally responsible.
Educated- College or beyond (prefer University).
Respectful, polite.
Family is important to him- maintains a good relationship with family.
Flexible, can compromise.
Honest, can communicate.
Reads or at least can respect books and self-improvement.
Movie buff.
Athletic.
Common background or at least an ability to relate.
Supportive of my goals and independence.
Independent- can cook, clean, do laundry and generally take care of himself.
Values education.

Reading this over now I was somewhat surprised to discover that Quiet Confidence has every single one of these things that I was looking for so long ago. I shouldn’t be so surprised, but at the time it felt like an impossible task. Yet today it seems so logical that I would find the person I was writing about. Subconsciously that list was always with me, I just didn’t have enough self-respect at the time to say I deserved to be with someone who checked off all the right boxes and none of the bad ones. It’s still a struggle some days to have the confidence and love for myself to say I deserve all of this, but I’m working on it.

Luck Has Nothing To Do With It

2009-03-16T18:22:00.000-07:00

A soft hand was slowly gliding up and down my naked back, tracing the lines of my body in the dark. His gentle fingertips followed the curve of my spine before retracing their way back towards my neck. As I basked in the overwhelming sense of love and security my body started to relax and my breath slowed.

As I felt myself drifting off to sleep he bent over me, and with warm lips brushing my ear whispered quietly,

“I am so lucky to be with you…”

“But you are so lucky to be you.”

And then he dropped a kiss on my cheek as I smiled into the darkness.

Failing to find my Strength

2009-02-25T15:51:00.000-08:00

Today I went to one of the yoga classes at the University athletics center with a friend/colleague. I’ve been having trouble with my carpal tunnel and I know it was very helpful with that back when I did the study. I’ve also been feeling very out of sorts and unbalanced in a way I can’t quite verbalize. I was hoping this class would help both.

This class was billed as a “Yoga Stretch” class, however after things got underway it was not the relaxed stretching class we both expected. It was a power yoga class focusing more on a strength training and muscle building approach and not a peaceful, relaxed session. I left in more pain than I went in with, both physically and mentally. This was not what I expected at all.

During the warm up part where we were doing some focused breathing and eyes-closed visualization we were asked to picture something in our minds. We were supposed to find our strength, something positive about ourselves, and focus on that one thing. I couldn’t find anything. I searched in vain and nothing positive was coming to mind. There is nothing physically about my body that I’m happy about at the moment. I woke up this morning to the realization that I have allowed myself to get to an uncomfortable weight and shape, something I had promised I wouldn’t do again after I broke up with Mr. Intellectual. Academically and intellectually I’m feeling like a horrible failure and completely unfit to be here. All I am finding at the moment is a deep, abiding shame and self-loathing.

Instead of finding peace and balance for an hour I left feeling very sore and was trying desperately to hold it together. Crying during guided meditation is not a good thing, especially in front of a friend and a room full of 50 strangers. I never expected to feel so empty from something I loved so much previously.

Motivation & Failure

2009-02-05T07:35:00.000-08:00

Shortly after I gave Quiet Confidence the link to this website he spent a lot of time reading through the past couple years of my life chronicled here. He said that it was difficult to read at times because he hates reading stories where the good guy doesn’t triumph. He had a completely different perspective on my blog than I do since he read it in huge sections where as I parceled it out in measured segments according to my days. Where as I saw the blog as more of an up and down rollercoaster of my depression, he saw it as the up and downs of my dating life and the continuous disappointments I suffered. Neither perspective is wrong, it just depends on what lens you filter the material through.

This past year has been an entirely different kind of struggle for me. I’ve been struggling with my degree and what it means to me, if I even want to be here, and feelings of failure. Yesterday I was looking at my school ring, absent-mindedly playing with it while I was thinking of other things. As I read the inscription on the inside band it struck me that my Bachelors Degree feels like the only degree where I really tried. I put my heart and soul into those 4 years. I really tried during that degree. I have yet to put that much effort, thought and time into my Ph.D. More importantly I haven’t invested my heart into this degree like I did with my undergrad. I was so emotionally invested in that degree and wanting to be on campus, regardless of how difficult it was at that time.

It may just be that I have academic burn out. That would come as no great shock since I’ve been in University for the past 8 years. Most people I know get burn out by their third or fourth year in school. It can be quite the meat grinder in academia. I can’t find the necessary desire and motivation to complete assignments and move on to the next phase of my degree. Part of me already feels like I’ve fucked up this degree from day one, that much of the past two and half years have been a huge failure. I can’t seem to move on from those feelings of failure and disappointment in my performance, which has only exacerbated the situation. This is not how I wanted my Ph.D to play out.

Of Lies and Liars

2008-11-30T21:26:00.001-08:00

For five years I worked a Government job. One of the main functions of my job was to determine when “clients” were lying and to figure out if that was problematic enough for us to take action or just let it go. It didn’t take long before I figured out that everyone was lying to me about something or other and I just had to figure out if the particular lie in question was important. It was also around this time that I discovered Mr. Intellectual’s propensity for telling little white lies constantly. It was something I had always noticed and was confused about, but it began to gnaw at me as I became more adept at spotting these obfuscations and catching him in his tall tales.

Over the years as these little white lies piled up I became more and more frustrated and angry at the discovery of each one, particularly because they were so unnecessary. When I bluntly asked him at one point why he felt it was necessary to embellish so much and so often he had an intriguing reply and an answer that gave me some insight into his personality. He said that he wanted to make his life seem more interesting and by extension himself more interesting. That didn’t excuse his behaviour in my eyes. I just wanted him to be honest with me. I didn’t care if he led a normal, ordinary life or his anecdotes were nothing exceptional. As the job started to wear me down more each day I craved honesty from those around me, particularly the man who was supposed to be my biggest emotional support.

The job was starting to change me, and the way I saw people. With each passing day I was becoming more disillusioned with people and I became quite disgusted with humanity. As each lie was uncovered at work I was becoming increasingly hostile towards the white lies I had to face after work. The cumulative toll that these white lies took on me was one of the factors that precipitated the end of our 6-year relationship. It was one of the big things I was thankful to leave behind me. I hated always second guessing the things I was being told and constantly keeping a mental puzzle in play to see if what was said was the truth, white lies or outright falsehoods. It really hurt that he didn’t think enough of me to tell me the truth.

This was all brought home to me again recently through this blog. An anonymous reader who was actually looking for a poem by Catullus uncovered this particular lie of Mr. Intellectuals. It was a brief, sharp and painful reminder of his untruthful nature. I am thankful that this person left the comment and alerted me to the deception. Many years ago Mr. Intellectual had written me a poem and I was under the impression up until now that it was one of his own original works. It was beautiful and I always treasured that poem. I found out that it is basically a word for word copy of the poem “Happiness” by the Roman poet Gaius Valerius Catullus, 84 BC - 54 BC. Now I’m just thoroughly disgusted by his behaviour and wonder if other poems he wrote me were also deliberate plagiarisms. The sad thing is that if he had just told me it was a work by Catullus and it made him think of me I would have loved it just as much. There was no need to pass it off as his own work since I already thought he was a good writer.

While his brazen behaviour took my breath away it has solidified my disinterest in his life. I no longer care what he’s doing and how he is, or how he is faring with the difficulties in his life. I find him to be ridiculously pompous and disingenuous and do not want those kinds of people in my life. He doesn’t deserve any more of my time or headspace. What this has also done for me is make me even more grateful for the man I’m with right now. From the start Quiet Confidence and I have had an open and honest relationship. I have never had that nagging feeling that what was being said wasn’t quite what it seems. QC respects me enough to tell me the truth, even if it’s not easy, and for that reason alone I love him.

Marking

2008-11-23T16:04:00.000-08:00

As a Teaching Assistant at the University one of my responsibilities is the marking of assignments, essays, tutorial participation, midterms and final exams. I have to say that this is one of the least favourite parts of the job for me. I hate judging someone else's work or performance. There is something very distasteful to me in making that call and sticking with my grade. I think sometimes that I agonize over these students grades for more time than they take to study for the exam or to write their term papers. I just want to be fair and impartial to all my students and ensure that they have earned the grade I give them, regardless of whether it's an A or an F.

As an undergraduate I was never the greatest at taking tests and my exams were always somewhat mediocre. I understand that even the brightest student might have difficulties with writing a decent history exam. It's not an easy thing to remember specific dates, names, and places and how they all fit together to make something meaningful. It has only been in the last couple of years of my Doctoral degree that I'm getting even remotely comfortable with the names and dates of history in relation to an event, and that's only when you're talking to me about Canadian history. Give me any other country and I'm as helpless as a frosh. This is largely because I'm TAing the same survey course on Canadian history for the second year in a row, and I've spent the better part of the past 4 years deeply immersed in Canadian history for my thesis work.

So while I'm bogged down with midterms and papers right now I'm dreaming of the day when I'll have a bevy of graduate students to do the marking for me. I think that's one of the best perks of getting a full Doctorate- not having to mark obscene piles of undergraduate work.

Holiday Decorations

2008-11-21T20:56:00.001-08:00

A couple of years ago I taught myself how to Tat. After some false starts and a lot of time in between I've taken it up again.

Snowflake, Work in Progress

Over the last few days I've begun to make a couple of snowflakes as Christmas decorations. I had originally planned to offer up a set as a prize for completing NaBloPoMo this year.

Snowflakes, completed

I promptly dropped the ball on the NaBlo challenge, and also stalled out on getting back to Eden in regards to this prize. I'm going to try to get it in at the last minute regardless. My apologies on the bad lighting. These were taken at my desk in the late evening with no natural sunlight. The snowflakes are actually made out of a subtle off-white shade of cotton thread, and don't look this dingy in person.

Nablopo....oh crap

2008-11-12T19:46:00.000-08:00

As I was drifting off to sleep on Friday night I realized I hadn't posted anything that day. I didn't even make it a week before I blew the NaBloPoMo challenge.

I could have chosen to get out of bed to throw up a post, however I thought it would be a bit odd considering that I was at Quiet Confidence's house. I wasn't sure how he'd react to me getting out of bed around midnight to fire up the computer for a blog post. He's been very supportive and accepting of the whole "blog" concept once I let the cat out of the bag. He wasn't all that surprised given the fact that he knew I kept a paper journal and I'm pretty "plugged in" (his words not mine). We still haven't discussed boundaries on what he's comfortable with me posting about our relationship. I'm kind of waiting until he's finished reading through the past couple years worth of posts before delving into that discussion.

I don't consider my lapse on the Nablo challenge to be a failure really. I'm trying not to use that word in an effort to stop seeing my stumbles as failures. I need to really curb the negative self-talk and focus on what is working in my life. I'm going to see how many posts I can create with the time left in the challenge. This was always meant as a challenge to undertake in an effort to help me get over my academic writer's block. Hopefully by the end of the month I'll have succeeded in that.

Blokus!

2008-11-10T18:18:00.000-08:00

This weekend Quiet Confidence and I were looking for a board game to play. It's been forever since either one of us had played one and it was perfect weather for staying inside- cold, rainy and plenty of fog. We ended up having to go out to pick up a game since there wasn't anything either of us were digging in his limited supply.

After much debate and browsing of the games at a local toy store we finally settled on Blokus, the duo edition. It appealed to both of us by combining elements of tetris and strategy, as well as looking pretty simple to pick up right away. Plus it looked somewhat addictive and potentially something we could play over and over without getting bored. It ended up being a huge hit and actually hilarious to play. The nice part about the duo edition is that it's compact, easy to travel with and only 2 player, which makes for a faster game than the multi-player edition.

The best part about the whole game was after we started cursing "Blokus!" when our respective opponent made a particularly good play. That alone made this purchase completely worth every penny.

I did a quick search today and found out you can play Blokus online through their website. Not only that but apparently the game has been very well reviewed and quite popular. I think we lucked out in our choice and can't wait for the rematch. He ended up winning our best out of 5 series by 1 game. It was a close game which made it all the more entertaining.

Perfection

2008-11-08T19:18:00.001-08:00

I'm with someone who is so compatible with me that it seems too good to be true. Why do I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen, or I'll wake up only to discover that it was all a dream. Is there such a thing as perfection in a relationship?

Public vs. Private

2008-11-06T14:30:00.000-08:00

I’ve spent a lot of time in the last few years feeling like my life is out of control. Ever since one asshole came into my life and ripped apart my sense of security and my ability to trust myself I’ve been largely unable to make a decision and stick with it. Normal, everyday things create unexpectedly negative reactions within me. In order to get a brief sense of security back I pack up and move, which is why I’ve moved 3 times in the past 12 months. When I feel threatened I run and hide.

Several weeks ago my boyfriend had flowers delivered to my house. My first reaction was not one of surprise and delight - it was a sickening fear that he’d found me. And anger. I think I slightly frightened the poor delivery guy with my hostile reaction and questions of who they were from. I wanted to know who sent them before I’d accept. As soon as I closed the door and read the card I knew my reaction was wrong and I was upset that I couldn’t experience the normal joy of receiving unexpected gifts without the panic and fear that it was starting all over again.

Finding out that Mr. Intellectual has been to my website has raised that same gut wrenching reaction. It’s not that I begrudge him the curiosity, or that I don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. I largely feel indifferent towards him and his life. It’s the feelings I have of it being unfair. That yet again I’m an unwilling participant in something I can’t change. It’s the feelings of being utterly powerless and unable to stand up for myself. That I’ve been rendered completely helpless. These are feelings I struggle with on an almost daily basis since the stalking began and again when the post-traumatic stress emerged. This overwhelming sense of vulnerability is a new facet of my personality that I dislike and causes me a lot of distress.

Jaclyn, a kind reader, has suggested that maybe I’d feel more comfortable taking this blog private and requiring people to ask for access in order to read. While this is tempting, it kind of violates the spirit of this blog in a sense. This was supposed to be a safe space for me to work through things that I couldn’t voice anywhere else. To take it private means that it is no longer that safe place and it also means that I’m limiting access. It also feels like I’m running and hiding again. Like I’m giving up a small sliver of the control I feel I have on my life. It’s the feeling that I’m giving him more power and influence over my life than he deserves or should have. Very much the way I feel towards the man who stalked me, and forever changed my life. A lot of the time I do things because of my experience, thereby allowing the stalker to continue to exert a power and influence over me that is wholly undeserved.

I spend a lot of time struggling with these feelings and the resulting anger. I’m trying to take baby steps to stop this cycle of behaviour, which is why Ph.Depressed will continue to be publicly accessible. I will try very hard not to let the fear of unwanted readership dictate what I choose to put here.

"I cannot control how you act. I can only control how I react."

- Jane Canuck

Rapidly Changing Seasons

2008-11-05T18:50:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday saw our first snowstorm of the year. It was quite a mess because there were still so many leaves on the trees and the snow was so heavy. Lots of downed limbs, power outages and general unpleasantness on the streets. Not to mention sub-zero temperatures and black ice.

This Wednesday the temperatures climbed to 20*C and I wore capri's, sandals and a t-shirt to campus. I also enjoyed a beer out on the patio of the grad club in the late afternoon with some colleagues. It was truly a stolen moment from Summer and felt more like the return of Spring than the end of Fall. If only this coming Winter could pass us by that easily. Sadly, I know that's too much to hope for in this city.

1288 Days, 298 Posts later

2008-11-04T14:41:00.000-08:00

A little over 3 years ago I started a blog. I’m not really sure what it was about the medium that appealed to me, but at the time I was reeling from a couple of big life changes. I was struggling to come to terms with my depression, graduate school and being thrust back into the single life after 6 years of being safely cocooned in a relationship. I have always found that writing has helped me sort out my more complex emotions and crystallize in my mind the problems I was having. While I have friends and acquaintances, I don’t have many people I trust or feel comfortable enough opening up to and sharing the deepest recesses of myself with.

In the past three years, I’ve completed a Masters degree despite some serious difficulties, entered a Ph.D program and floundered, was stalked, developed post traumatic stress, moved 5 times, worked through my 6-year relationship with Mr. Intellectual, dated or had pseudo-relationships with more men than I can remember names for, saw another niece and nephew enter the world, experienced a complete break with reality, went on and off anti-depressants and anxiety medication a handful of times, and met a man who is one of the most honest, emotionally mature and unconditionally loving individuals that I have ever met.

In the past year I’ve struggled with this space and where I’m taking it. I’ve spent a lot of time being disengaged from life and my personal pursuits outside of school and the daily grind of life. I spent several months where I stopped doing just about everything I enjoyed, from reading fiction to going outside or interacting with friends. Some days are easier than others to pick up that book or go out for coffee with a friend. I find myself easily distracted, agitated and restless when I do try to concentrate on my schoolwork or my hobbies- writing in particular.

One of the biggest obstacles I have with this space is that I know that Mr. Intellectual finally found me online. My statcounter alerted me to this fact sometime around my birthday of this year. It disturbs me somewhat to know that he may or may not be reading here. Like why should he give a shit now? On some level it feels like being stalked all over again since it’s an unwanted, secretive observer of my life and he hasn’t told me about it or reached out to me in any way. It also makes me slightly more cautious in what I choose to write about, and I hate that feeling. I hate feeling helpless and that is all I have felt since the day I called 9-1-1 fearing for my life because of the stalkers behaviour at my door. I don’t think it's particularly fair that he can turn his back on my friendship, yet get a front seat into my inner struggles. I’m trying very hard not to let it censor me.

The other big hurdle to my writing here is the fact that my new boyfriend doesn’t know about my blog. I’ve been debating about whether or not to tell him. We have a policy of absolute honesty, which has worked very well for us, and it feels kind of like a breach of his trust not to let him know. I’m scared about how he’ll respond to some of my writing- not that he’ll reject me, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings in some way or cause him to worry unnecessarily about me. Is it possible to share too much with someone? We’ll soon find out because I think it’s finally time to let him in on my last big secret.

Writer's Block, already

2008-11-03T19:34:00.000-08:00

This is day 3 of NaBloPoMo and I officially have writers block. It's a tad early to be this hung up on what to write, but given my problems with my academic writing this shouldn't be a huge surprise. I was hoping to make it a full week or more before I really started to feel like I had nothing to say. This certainly bodes ill for the remainder of the exercise.

It's all about baby steps though. Even if it means writing a junk post like this, I'm still putting one foot in front of the other (metaphorically) and trying to overcome my overall writers block in the hopes of improving my academic performance.

Library Graffiti

2008-11-02T17:19:00.000-08:00

Library Graffiti, Sept. 25, 2008

I was in the University library a while back collecting a few books for a project I'm supposed to be working on. While heading up the stairwell I spotted this on one of the landings. It's not drawn on, but looked to be more of a silkscreen template. It was fairly innocuous, about the size of my hand, and easily missed if you were in a hurry.

NaBloPoMo

2008-11-01T06:46:00.000-07:00

I've decided to participate in NaBloPoMo this month. I thought about it for a while before I signed up since I haven't written anything here since July. Which, coincidentally, is around the same time I stopped writing academically and almost completely stopped writing in my paper journal. Writing has become so difficult for me that I've completely turned my back on it, which as you can imagine is a serious problem in a graduate program that involves multiple 30+ page papers and a 350 page thesis as a requirement for graduation. I hoping that by completing 30 days straight of blogging that I will be able to return to my academic work. If I can't write, I can't be here which means finding an alternate career path and giving up on my Ph.d.

A Little Touch of Luxury

2008-07-03T06:41:00.000-07:00

One of my very best friends lives in England. We chat several times a week over msn and share the occasional joke through text message. We’ve now known each other for about 10 years and have shared the ups and downs of life, including all the details of rotten relationships and anything else that may come up in conversation. I could easily make the argument that the Weasle knows more about me than anyone else I know. He has some family in Canada and comes out every few years to visit and have a vacation.

The Weasle was planning his vacation for this summer a couple of months ago and asked me if there was anything I’d like from the UK that I can’t get here. Last summer while he was visiting he brought me a lovely Manchester United jersey. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted off the top of my head and the conversation drifted off into other realms. I was having difficulties with Candidate #2 at the time and we were discussing the best way for me to break it off without causing unnecessary drama for myself. Weasle brought it up again several weeks later. It was late at night and we were both getting slightly ridiculous making fun of each other (or as he say’s – taking the piss), and having a good time in general. I don’t know why this came out, but I was feeling bold and I really wanted something extraordinary.

Several years ago I read about Agent Provocateur in some magazine. I love beautiful things and my tastes tend towards the expensive. As one of my uncles would say, I have “champagne tastes on a beer budget.” I love taking a peek at their website and all the fabulous lingerie that I can never afford. Much like a pair of Louboutin shoes or a Valentino dress, AP lingerie was one of those things that I enjoy admiring, but never really believed would ever be in the budget. The only Agent Provocateur boutique in Canada just so happens to be in Vancouver, at the opposite end of the country from where I am, further removing it from my realm. I mentioned this to Weasle and he immediately jumped on their UK site and we had a good laugh picking out the more daring ensembles and comparing our tastes in lingerie. By the end of the night we had both settled on the same set as being the best and most appropriate for me. I must say Weasle does have impeccable tastes in clothing and jewellery!

So this year I received an amazing pair of panties and matching bra from the Weasle. It became a great joke between us, but that’s just the relationship we have. I finally received my gift this week and I couldn’t be more pleased. I love how AP names each of their sets with women’s names and weaves a story with their different lines. Mine just so happens to be called “Fanny” which tickled me pink since it reminds me of the notorious Fanny Hill by John Cleland. I adore my new lingerie and have big plans for it in the future, since it really is too good and too pretty to wear for everyday.

It really is a little touch of luxury to slip on a $100 thong and know you are worth every penny of it. The Weasle has become instrumental in reminding me of my value and that I am more than the crappy relationships and the men I thought I deserved. He also knows that I deprive myself so that I can afford to stay in school, so this is his way of treating me for all my hard work. This is why I love him like one of my brothers and value him so much. Sometimes it takes the words of someone else to remind you that you are special and you should be good to yourself.

An Anniversary of a Sort

2008-06-23T06:24:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago this month I sat waiting in a park in the dusky twilight, on a bench beside a baseball diamond. I was waiting for Mr. Intellectual to come home from a visit to his Nana’s. This was the night we started dating. The night after we had shared our first kiss. I waited in that park for a couple of hours since I didn’t know when he would be home. A less patient girl would have given up and gone out with her friends instead, but I wanted him. In hindsight that night was to be the first of many where I would wait patiently for him.

Ten years later we’re no longer even speaking to each other. We’ve both sort of moved on. I know he went looking for this blog around the time of my birthday last month and found it. I still keep in touch with his cousin so I know what he is or isn’t up to and that he’s still with the girl he started dating after we broke up. I am finally making peace with the relationship, the issues it created, and the impact it had on my life.

After we broke up 4 years ago, I had planned on mailing him a gift on our 10-year anniversary with a thank-you card. The gift was going to be a leather-bound, Arden’s Playgoers edition of Hamlet. It was a gift I had been trying to source off an on while we were together since that was his favourite Shakespearian play and he absolutely loves beautiful things- books in particular. He had also given me the leather-bound Arden’s Romeo and Juliet years before for Christmas one year, so it was a fitting gift I thought. The card was to say something about the gratitude I have for the 6 years we spent together and the good times we shared. How he was an important part of my life and one of my best friends and for that I will always love him as a friend and think fondly of him. In the end I decided to just leave him be. He made it abundantly clear two years ago that he didn’t want to have anything more to do with me, so I respected that. As much as I would like to reach out to him, given how difficult things are for him at the moment, I know his pride would never allow him to accept my friendship right now. Instead I will leave the past in the past and continue moving forward.

I think...

2008-06-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

If you asked me tomorrow, I would say yes.

A Ghost of a Memory

2008-06-02T06:38:00.000-07:00

Last night I returned to the University town after a very restful month at my parents place on the Farm. While unpacking and listening to music I suddenly remember something from the distant past. I had completely forgotten the night before I left home for University for the first time. It was a bittersweet parting between Mr. Intellectual and I. I don’t really remember what we did that evening, but sometime before midnight saw us dancing slowly to some of our favourite songs, holding each other closely. I can’t remember how long we stayed like that, but it was probably for a few hours. Slowly spinning around room, talking softly with my head resting on his shoulder and nestled up close to his neck. Later he dropped me off at my parent’s house in the early morning hours. I remember being excited for the next morning and all the new things that moving out and starting University would bring. My excitement was tempered with sadness at leaving Mr. Intellectual, who chose to stay at home and begin school at the Hometown University. He was very melancholy at our final parting. Soft kisses and gentle words were shared before he drove away that night.

Now, almost eight years later I think about that night as if it was from another era, and in a sense it was in a different intellectual and emotional era in my life. I’ve been in post-secondary school for 8 years now, earned 2 degrees and experienced more in the past 4 years apart from him than I did in the previous 6 years with him. But I wonder about the feelings I had while with him. I’ve been emotionally stunted in the love department since we parted ways 4 years ago. I wonder if I can be that emotionally open and available to anyone again. So far I have failed miserably and not just because I’ve picked men who were far from desirable partners. Thinking about that last night together I miss the simple sweetness of loving someone in that way- the absolute trust, adoration, and fearlessness of loving without holding back. Have I seen too much and been through too much trauma with men to turn back the clock in my heart to that time?

Alternative Therapy?

2008-05-28T06:45:00.000-07:00

Vitia nostra regionum mutatione non fugimus.

- We do not flee our errors by a change of locations. (Anonymous)

I've kind of reached the end of my rope with how I'm feeling and doing. I've struggled for the past couple of years with no meaningful change or relief. I had always hoped that when I moved from my Master's to my Ph.D I could leave behind some of the old issues and start fresh in a new city and a new University. These problems have a way creeping back in eventually though. You may move locations and change jobs or projects, but you bring yourself with you.

I've been medicated off and on for almost 5 years now. The last two years have seen me on medication almost steadily. While it has helped me tremendously at times, I have found other alternative therapies to be as equally effective, if not more so, at times. The yoga study I did last year was really great and I regret not continuing on with yoga after it was over. Talk therapy was perfunctory and incredibly counter productive when I gave it a try 5 years ago. Arguably the doctor I have now engages in a type of talk therapy in addition to dispensing medication and charting my progress. She's a lot better than the first guy I tried, but it's still not making an appreciable difference in my life. There are some things I know I need to figure out on my own and spend time sorting through them in my head.

I'm not the type of person to enjoy talking to a therapist, or some one else necessarily, to help me sort out those things. Verbal diarrhea has never been a problem for me, nor do I feel better after "unburdening" myself on anyone. I keep it all closed up inside and the only time I discuss the mental issues is in my journal or here. I'm an independent learner, and a very closed person, so talk therapy is not helpful for me. I'd say it leaves me worse off then before I started because I'm easily frustrated by seeing the person struggle to help me if they're not properly qualified. I also find empty platitudes annoying and unnecessary. I don't need someone to pat my hand and tell me everything will be better tomorrow.

I ran across an article in Discovery about the use of psychedelic drugs in the treatment of mental disorders after reading Mind Hacks. While I don't condone recreational drug use, nor would I ever advocate using them, I think this is an intensely personal choice. I just want to feel like I used to. I just want to be the person I know I am, free from the Post Traumatic Stress and the depression. I want to feel again. I want to not only remember what love feels like, I want to feel love again. Everything I'm doing right now is not allowing me to overcome the problem or even find a break through and insight on how to proceed. This is not something I'm taking lightly or jumping into blindly. It is something I'm considering very seriously, not as a recreational "high" but as a controlled and deliberate choice.

There is only one person in the world I would trust to do this with- my brother, the World Traveller. While the article discusses the use of MDMA for post traumatic stress I would never consider using it. I'm leaning more towards psilocybin's (magic mushrooms) as a safer option. WT has experience with them and he knows I've never done shrooms before. He also is an incredibly safety oriented person and understands the purpose behind why I want to try them. We discussed it a bit last night, however I still have a few more things to discuss with him about it before I agree to the experience. It also needs to be in a highly controlled environment because a bad trip would probably leave me in a far worse mental state than I am in right now. I know this is not a cure, but merely a tool to help me reach the next step in over coming the PTSD. The depression will probably always be with me, but the PTSD is seriously affecting my daily life and ability to function in society. I know how to cope with the depression, I do not now how to cope with depression and PTSD.

At a Standstill

2008-05-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

Stasis n.- a state in which there is neither motion nor development, often resulting from opposing forces balancing each other.

I am in almost complete stasis right now. I am unable to move forward, unable to complete projects, and unable to untangle my messy emotional state.

A Series of Highs & Lows

2008-05-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

High:

Driving a Backhoe for the first time on the farm

Low:

Discovering Mr. Intellectual has visited this site for the first time

High:

Spending hours talking to a certain some one, losing track of time and not minding

Low:

Feeling like a huge failure because that paper still isn't done

High:

Going for a short run and not being out of breath, despite not having exercised in quite some time

Low:

Not knowing where you stand with someone

High:

Getting a big bear hug from that crazy brother of yours, just when you needed it most

Low:

Realizing you have to go back to the University town in a couple of days and face the music

A Gift to Myself

2008-05-15T05:31:00.000-07:00

Somewhere between this post and today I had a wee little mental breakdown. The weight of school, an incomplete relationship and the fear of failure sent me off the deep end, free-falling into an abyss of mental instability. Many tears later and lots of sleep I’m slowly waking up. I ran away to my parent’s house two weeks ago and I’m trying to find a healthy balance for my life yet again. Being in the middle of my family and seeing my little nieces and nephews really helps to ground me and show me what is important in life. It doesn’t hurt that it is also spring on the farm, which is an incredibly beautiful time of year.

This past weekend I celebrated my 27th birthday. I have heard from several people that being 27 was one of the hardest years of their life for various reasons. I’m not sure if it’s the realization that you’re almost thirty and coming to terms with the end of your supposedly ‘carefree’ 20s, or it’s the feeling that you should be closer to assembling something of an adult career and life path. The thought of having a more difficult year than the past three years combined has steeled me to make some changes in the hopes of preventing a terrible 27th year. I’m trying to make 27 the best year I possibly can under the circumstances.

As a gift to myself for my birthday I broke up with Candidate #2. I knew it was something I should have had the guts to do months ago, but hindsight isn’t always the most helpful. As a semi-professional historian I spend inordinate amounts of time analyzing the past and for once I’d like to think about the future. So, instead of agonizing over the hurt it has caused or replaying over in my head what I should have done differently I am just leaving it alone and not looking back. I’ve severed almost all contact with Candidate #2 and once I return back to the University town and drop off his key I won’t have any more to do with him. It’s not beneficial for either one of us and the last thing I need right now is to become a target for his anger and sadness over yet another failed relationship.

The next couple of weeks I’m going to try to sort out all of my incomplete assignments and put my education back in order. If I have any chance of salvaging this degree I need to make the sacrifices I know are necessary even if they are difficult.

The Guessing Game

2008-05-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

I’m breaking down. I can feel myself slowly fraying as each additional pressure is squeezed down inside me and I try to prioritize with little success. I wake up everyday questioning what I’m doing with my life. Should I really be in graduate school? Is a Ph.D really what I want from life? Am I only still here because I’ve become institutionalized and I can’t fathom a life outside the walls of academia? I wonder what else I would do as a career and come up empty handed and even more frustrated. This is the only way I can see of being independent.

Dangers of the Workplace

2008-04-26T05:52:00.000-07:00

I'm in the throes of writing a paper for my course on advertising and consumption. For most of the time it's an uphill struggle but I have experienced brief moments of reprieve, where the words flow easily and writing feels like I've found my voice again. These moments are for a few sentences at a time or maybe a paragraph if I'm particularly fortunate.

This morning I rolled over to the unpleasant discovery that at some point in the night a small, purple post-it note had become attached to my belly. I woke up slightly confused and disoriented to the knowledge that this little piece of paper had burrowed its way under my t-shirt and affixed itself beside my bellybutton for the duration of the night. I'm still puzzled how it made its way upstairs and into bed with me. Perhaps it came from the book I was reading before I fell asleep, or more likely it fell off an article as I straightened up before I called it a night. Either way, its been one of the more unusual consequences of academia that I've experienced- right up there with the time I pulled my shoulder picking up a book off the floor.

Where I'm At

2008-04-15T07:32:00.000-07:00

Lost. I feel lost. Somewhere in the past 6 months I’ve allowed myself to be swallowed whole into a relationship that is neither truly beneficial for me nor truly destructive. Much like the way I feel right now it is just sort of there. He’s a decent sort of man who will make some woman very happy in the future. He will love her, care for her and they will be happy with the domestic routine. In the end, he is just not for me. There is no real connection of the mind and I can feel myself slowly eroding emotionally from this.

He needs some one less opinionated, less dominant, less cerebral and consumed with spending time inside her head. He often gets frustrated with my over-intellectualizing and the amount of time I spent inside my head turning things over and gently prodding them for their larger meaning and structure. He would argue the opposite and that we’re great together, but I know I’m not being true to myself. I am not who I am with him and alter my personality to fit more smoothly into his life. I suppress things, alter moods and put aside interests to create a more harmonious relationship. All of which I know are wrong, but I can’t help it.

The problem lies in the fact that he’s a great friend and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He’s a great guy for hanging out on a patio in the summer sun, drinking beers and sharing casual conversation. But as my brother, the World Traveller, has said he just isn’t cultured enough for my tastes and long-term happiness. There’s nothing wrong with him, he’s just not my type. I also know that when we break up we cannot be friends- he won’t accept that. This relationship is such that he wants all or nothing, and I can’t give him what he desires. With both our birthday’s coming up in the next month I really do need to do something about this. I know I’m not responsible for how he reacts, but I hate hurting other people’s feelings, particularly when it comes to relationship hurts. The worst part about this is that there really isn't an overwhelmingly bad thing about the relationship that makes breaking it off easier.

The Six Word Memoir

2008-03-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

I recently was introduced to the concept of a six word memoir through an article in the Toronto Star. They had run their own six word memoir contest to highlight the new book, Not Quite What I Was Planning: 6 Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure. The concept is to write your own memoir in only 6 words. It's a fun little exercise to think through and I've found myself doing it at odd times during the last week or so- or at least thinking about the book. These little memoirs can be so provocative and addictive. The Amazon preview has a few really intriguing examples from the book:

"After Harvard, had baby with crackhead." - Robin Templeton

"Watching quietly from every doorframe." - Nicole Resseguie

"Painful nerd kid, happy nerd adult." - Linda Williamson

"The Psychic said I'd be richer." - Elizabeth Bernstein

It fits in with my interest in PostSecret and catching little glimpses of other peoples private lives that you may or may not be privy to. Much like PostSecret, these 6 word memoirs are equally eclectic. I'm not really sure what my 6 word memoir would be exactly, but here are a few I did think of:

I think about it every day.

26, Life has yet to happen.

Depressed and withdraw from my life.

Some day I will find myself.

Fell in love once, still waiting.

What would your 6 word memoir say?

Something Lost, Something Gained?

2008-03-20T14:13:00.001-07:00

I wish I could say that I stopped writing because something extraordinarily good happened in my life and the depression became a non-issue, but that’s not the case. At first I lost confidence in my ability to write academically and eventually it bled into my ability to write from the heart. I couldn’t even write for myself, not here or in my paper journal. The depression waxed and waned over the last few months, neither crippling me nor abating enough for me to truly enjoy life. It has been one long and interminable winter that cannot be over soon enough. I don’t know if I’ve gained anything over these last few months of silence, but I need to believe that there has been some good. I just don’t see it right now.

I Can't Believe I Missed This?!

2007-11-30T19:09:00.000-08:00

I just found out this evening that the creator's of Futurama actually released a movie this week (see above). It's a straight to DVD movie, however this is something I've heard rumours of off and on for quite some time but never believed it would really happen.

I have no idea who I missed hearing about this until after the movie was released. Mind you I'm only 3 days late since it was released on November 27th, but still! I'm a huge Futurama fan and I've been hoping against hope that they'd bring back the show or make good on their promises for a movie.

The Day is Over

2007-11-29T20:48:00.000-08:00

I'm mentally exhausted, but the day wasn't as horrible as I had envisioned it would be. Actually, I consider myself to be quite fortunate in that I have a really great group of students. I have some seriously awesome kids and it was nice to have a little one on one time with them to figure out some things and just get to know them as people and not just as my students. It was interesting how many of them have given me unsolicited compliments or encouragement on how I've been running my tutorials. Apparently my laid back style is working, and I am getting through to more of them than I first thought.

It's days like these that make me believe in what I'm doing.

The Busiest Day of the Year

2007-11-28T23:38:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will be one of the most hectic days of my semester thus far. I have an 11:30am French exam and then from 12:00pm until 4:00pm I have back to back meetings with students on the half hour. This is all to go over their papers for next term. The worst part about it is I don't even have any cash on me to grab a pick me up coffee at the Tim Horton's during my afternoon slump. I'm going to try to get through it sans caffeine but I have my doubts.

Favourite Quote of the Day

2007-11-27T13:25:00.001-08:00

My Mother recently gave me a book entitled, "Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a Day" by Joan Bolker. It's a great little book for any person doing graduate work in any discipline.

I was reading it this afternoon while I was waiting for a couple of students to drop in to discuss their papers and came across one of the best quotes from someone named Don Graves:

"You have to be willing to be a professional nudist if you're going to write."

It was on a section in relation to sharing your writing, particularly early drafts and unfinished work with others to receive constructive criticism and support. I think this can be true of any writing though because if you write anything that someone else is going to read you are laying yourself bare in a sense. It goes hand in hand with Fussy.com's "Writing Well is the Best Revenge" t-shirts. Graves' quote made me smile on a pretty bleak day when I was beginning to hit the wall and feel completely exhausted.

Memories

2007-11-26T20:04:00.000-08:00

My mother has been going through all sorts of old family photos in the last couple of days for a huge family tree project being co-ordinated by a few of my great-aunts. She's been scanning some of them and emailing me periodically with her finds. I had forgotten about some of them, but a lot of them have some pretty happy memories for me. It makes me intensely home sick unfortunately and I miss my brothers something fierce, especially after she sent some pictures of us joking around and being silly as kids.

The Grinch?

2007-11-25T13:15:00.001-08:00

I'm trying so hard not to be a Grinch this year about Christmas. Generally speaking I don't like Christmas. I like aspects of it, but in general I hate the unrealistic expectations of Christmas and the unnecessary family pressure. I feel like I'm losing the Grinch battle this year and it's not even December yet.

I Want You to Want Me

2007-11-24T20:33:00.000-08:00

I know it may appear like I love sex and I’m insatiable. Like all I want to do when I’m with you is get you in bed with me and spend all day there. The reason’s I love sex are not what you think. I haven’t even been able to orgasm during sex with you for months and it’s a rare occurrence anyways.

No, I love sex because it means that you touch me. You put your hands all over me and hold me close. You actually look at me and for that brief moment there is nothing else in your life aside from me. For that brief moment I feel like you might actually care about me. And then we part and instead of caressing me and whispering sweet nothings you roll over or move away so we’re not touching anymore. It breaks my heart when all I want is for you to touch me, hold me close and make me feel safe. It’s even worse when you wait a minute and then run off downstairs for a smoke, or to make a phone call or to get ready to go out to where ever you have to go.

I just want five minutes of your life so that I feel reassured. That I don’t feel like I’m being used even if you are my boyfriend. On the worst of days I fall asleep beside you in tears or cry in the car on my way home. On the best of days I feel hollow and alone. I hate feeling like my desires are unreasonable and that because I want to be close to you I’m an attention whore. I hate feeling like I have to beg for your attention. I hate being rebuffed. I hate feeling like I need to try harder and maybe you’ll eventually respond in kind. I hate feeling like I never have your undivided attention.

I hate how you laughed in my face and expressed supreme doubt when I said that sometimes all I want is to be held. If you wonder why I can’t ever seem to be able to talk to you. If you ever wonder why I’m sad. If you ever wonder why I look at you like that, with the serious face and deep in though. It’s because I just want to be held without sex clouding everything. For once I want to feel like you can’t get enough of me and just want to be near me; that you crave my touch as much as I yearn for yours. I want to feel like you want me.

More Vanity Plates

2007-11-23T22:48:00.000-08:00

On my way to campus yesterday I was following a car with the plate, "DR JAYNE". It was no surprise that I followed her all the way into campus.

Walking to class I also saw another vanity plate that made me laugh. I didn't get a good look at the driver, but now I wish I had:

RIXIOU

Essay Proposal Time

2007-11-22T20:47:00.000-08:00

My students are starting to pick topics for their major essay. For the next week and a half I'm meeting with all my tutorial students, about 25 in total, to go over their chosen topic and discuss possible thesis statements, sources and how to approach a historical essay in general. So far I've been properly impressed with most of my students in general. Obviously the really keen students would pick meeting times in the first week instead of waiting until the last possible moment to see me next week. That being said I'm happy with the variety of topics they've chosen so far. The last thing I want to do is mark 25 papers of around 10,00 words each on Conscription in WWI, or the Quebec Separatist movement come January. While both topics are engaging in their own rights there are only so many papers with identical arguments a person can read before you begin to go a little crazy.

Christmas Planning Already?!

2007-11-21T19:22:00.000-08:00

I got an email from my oldest brother about Christmas. He and his wife are already thinking/worrying/planning for Christmas and it stresses me out. They're trying to come up with ideas for a gift for our parents. I really dislike going in on a group gift since I'm the one who usually plans and buys the gift and then has to chase down all my siblings to pay up. I've been burned too many times for me to want to participate in a group gift.

I'm thinking of getting my parents one of those digital picture frames. My mom got a digital camera last Christmas from my Dad and has yet to print out a single picture from the past year. She's taken some really great pictures of the grand kids and her own children that really should be displayed. I still need to mull this one over though.

This is a day I'm glad is over

2007-11-20T20:39:00.000-08:00

Today was the Monday from hell. Except it wasn't Monday, it was Tuesday and the day never seemed to end. I'm happy that it's now time for me to crawl into bed and forget this day ever happened.

From my car not starting this morning, to being late from catching the bus, having a crisis of confidence in the academic arena and finding out it's going to take a couple of hundred bucks to fix my car it all just kept going downhill in a thousand little ways. There was a small glimpse of some good things this evening when I went out to Trivia night at the grad pub with my former room mate and some of my fellow graduate students in the History department. Even still there were just too many negatives for the few positives to offset them. I'm looking forward to a nice long sleep and a fresh start tomorrow.

More of the Parure

2007-11-19T19:21:00.000-08:00

I knew I had saved a picture of the matching pin for my new parure. I have everything except the enormous brooch. It's not something I think I'd ever wear since it's pretty big and gaudy, but if I do find it the value of my set increases exponentially.

More from the Collection

2007-11-18T15:16:00.000-08:00

I purchased this lovely in the spring at a steal. I was also able to get the matching necklace, but have yet to find the brooch to make it a grand parure instead of the full parure I now currently have. It's a fairly rare set to begin with and I've only ever seen the brooch once on a collectors website so I have a feeling it's going to be a long search to fill out this set.

Some Lines Are As True Today As They Were 412 Years Ago

2007-11-17T14:27:00.000-08:00

Recently a line from Romeo and Juliet keeps running through my head. Mostly it is when I'm feeling intensely frustrated or hurt by the behaviour of Candidate #2. I don't even remember what it was that first made me think of it, but it's a line that has become more and more persistent as of late.

"O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?"

I question so much of our interaction lately and wonder at what point is the breaking point for me. At what point is this relationship doing more emotional damage than providing benefit in my life?

Will it never end?

2007-11-16T14:09:00.001-08:00

Alone in bed this morning I was thinking about Mr. Intellectual. It’s been 3 years and change since we broke up but I still think about him almost every day and it hasn’t abated with time. Lying on my side, curled up in bed I thought of all those nights we spent together at his parents house spooning on the couch. The way he’d hold me and always wanted to be near me. I miss that closeness and security. I miss feeling truly loved. I miss the way he’d challenge me intellectually and how my mind would work over time when we were together and discussing our work. There has been a huge hole in my life since he left and so far I have yet to find a man who can fill that void. Maybe I’m asking for too much, but I want someone who fulfills me emotionally and intellectually and there just hasn’t been anyone who’s been able to do both and be available to me. I wish I could stop thinking about him though, since I know he’s long since gotten over me and I’m sure doesn’t give me any thought any more since we stopped talking over a year and a half ago.

Another one of my Pieces

2007-11-15T23:47:00.000-08:00

I bought the bracelet for my brother's wedding two years ago. After I saw this book piece and realized there was a matching necklace I knew I had to have it. After months of searching and losing it once at auction on ebay, I finally won my necklace. I also managed to snag the matching brooch after coming across it in my searching. It is beautiful and I can't wait to wear this necklace out some where special.

Le peu de temps que j'ai eu

2007-11-14T19:49:00.000-08:00

I have a French exam tomorrow. Unfortunately I am cramming because I've been very bad at time management lately.

The one good thing of the day is that my Wednesday group of students actually talked without prodding in seminar! I'm shocked. They have been a very quiet group and it has been painful to get through the hour with them. It has been worse than pulling teeth to make our discussions last the full hour. I hope that next week continues on this positive note. I always knew they were bright students, but for whatever reason's they haven't been good at facilitating discussion on the material. What's interesting is that my Tuesday group who are usually awesome fell totally flat and didn't really engage the material or sustain discussion on it.

The Diva Cup

2007-11-13T20:45:00.000-08:00

About four months ago I discovered an interesting alternative to tampons and pads. It came about at a time when I was pretty receptive to alternatives after a couple of bad periods, health issues and some general discomfort using tampons for the entirety of my cycle. Like most women, I assume, I had grown to dread and hate my period while wishing the week away when it was around. I was feeling desperate for something, anything, better. Enter The Diva Cup.

The Diva Cup is a relatively small silicone cup that once inserted catches menstrual fluid without drying like tampons and upsetting the pH of your vagina. I really wanted to love this product since it seemed like the answer to my prayers. After some intense research and reading from a very helpful livejournal group I went out and bought my own Diva Cup. I was actually excited for my period to see how well it actually worked for me. I really wanted it to be great for me, but the first day wasn’t so great. I had some extra cramping, minor discomfort bordering on painful, and one heck of time trying to fish around and remove it the first time. Some deep breaths, more reading on the livejournal site and giving myself time to adjust to something so different meant that it went much better. By day three I was in love with the Diva Cup, despite its corny name. There were absolutely zero leaks and I only had to change it once in the morning and once before bed. By the end of my cycle I could leave it in longer without worrying about it and I could forget about panty liners. I even went to Spin class and worked out with no problems. Once in and properly placed I forgot all about it.

My second period with the Diva Cup was a little more difficult. I had some issues with leaks and proper insertion that would mean no leaks. The same thing has been happening this time as well. When the Diva works, it is fantastic. When it doesn’t work it can be a bit of a pain in the ass, but I’m giving it time because I do love it. It’s fascinating to be able to be more aware of what goes on in your cycle and I no longer find the whole thing so icky. On my third go around, despite the leaks, I’ve been trying to find the proper insertion that works for me without leaking. I think what it comes down to is taking my time and being patient instead of rushing myself in the morning and assuming I have the technique down already. I know it will take a few more cycles before I will get it down easily and quickly, but I’m more than willing to give myself that time.

The Diva Cup’s main attraction was the health benefits, but an added benefit is the environmental factor. By using the Diva Cup I’m not throwing away all that non-biodegradable waste every month, so it’s very environmentally friendly. There also isn’t the monthly expense of all those tampons, pads and liners since the Diva is reusable and can last up to 10 years or so. So in addition to the environmental factors, the cost effectiveness and the health benefits it is definitely something I’m happy to use. I also like that it's a Canadian made product from a small mother daughter company. I think it’s a product you really have to want in order for it to work for you in terms of the patience it takes to learn how to properly use it. There is a learning curve and it takes some time in order to gain a certain level of comfort using it properly. Even with all that, I still recommend it or a similar type of product. I wish I had known about it years ago since it has made my life so much easier.

Guilty Secrets

2007-11-12T20:42:00.000-08:00

One of my secrets is that I love watching America's Next Top Model (or any other NTM version) and keeping up with celebrity gossip on dlisted. I guess after a long day flexing my brain I like to just veg out for a breather and ingest something mindless. After that I'm ready to go again with the intellectual pursuits. It's good for me to do something so completely different from the school work, however it is definitely not a habit I publicly admit to.

Yes, I am Lazy.

2007-11-11T20:29:00.001-08:00

Sleep deprivation, no inspiration and spending the whole weekend at my parents house with my family has meant that I have nothing to post today except this lame apology. Next week I'm going to try to get some quality out here.

Halloween, 2007

2007-11-10T19:52:00.000-08:00

These are the pumpkin's my now former house mate and I carved this year. It was the last night I spent in my old house before moving out. Thankfully we had fun carving them in the afternoon and then handing out candy in the evening to some pretty cute kids. It helped ameliorate some of the bad feelings I had about the house.

Graduation Day

2007-11-09T15:25:00.001-08:00

Back in June I graduated from my Master's program. At the time I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to wear. Eventually I found a pair of leopard print pumps at 9 West and knew I had to have them and the outfit would take care of itself. I wasn't sure however, if I was going to be able to snag a pair off season and on short notice. I did, and they are fantastic. Here's a little picture of me in my shoes on graduation day.

Fall in Ontario

2007-11-08T12:18:00.001-08:00

This is the view from the back deck of my new place. It feels more like I'm at a cottage from this view than in the middle of a city. Unfortunately my window looks out on the street. Spending a summer here is going to be easy.

Illicit Posting

2007-11-07T17:53:00.000-08:00

The only reason I'm on today and posting is because of the NaBloPoMo. I'm at Candidate #2's house and usually wouldn't be on my laptop at all. I know that by getting involved with him again I am playing with fire.

Oh, and I was right about yesterday. Today was not a very good day and it's sliding into quite bad.

Too Good to be True?

2007-11-06T20:31:00.000-08:00

Today for a brief moment while driving home from spin class I felt free and happy. It's a feeling I'm not used to, and it usually proceeds a big crash. It scares me, and at the same time I hope it means I'm turning a corner. Only time will tell I suppose.

This & That

2007-11-05T19:27:00.000-08:00

My Mother is in town today and tomorrow for a meeting. This is the first time she's been to my new University town in many years, and the first time she's been up to see me here. We went out for dinner, had some amazing steak at this cute little restaurant and talked a lot. It was really great to spend some one on one time with my Mother. It's funny but over the years she's become my best friend, my academic adviser, and my mom. It's nice to know she's there for me no matter what.

"Fun Size"

2007-11-04T15:19:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here eating leftover candy from Halloween. I am officially stress binging and having this much junk in the house is not helping my cause. We didn't get as many kids out as I anticipated and now I'm wishing I had gotten more variety. On second thought I wish I had just bought less, and handed out more to my students instead of banking on lots of kids in my young subdivision.

As for the marketing- who is the guy who came up with labeling teeny-tiny chocolate bars, and miniature packages of M&M's (wherein you receive only five peanut M&M's), as "fun size". It's a brilliant marketing ploy, but I'm not thinking they're all that fun when you eat 10 in a row because they're so small, and honestly who is satisfied with only five M&M's?? I'm bringing my extra candy back to school this week to hand out to my tutorial students before I ruin all my progress from spin class.

Day 2 of Seriously Crappy Internet

2007-11-03T13:24:00.000-07:00

It's day two in my new place with the bad internet. I actually haven't spent a night here yet, but tonight I will be staying instead of avoiding the house. I have a lot of things to do this weekend to finish moving in and be ready for school on Monday. Instead, I'd rather just crawl under the covers and disappear for a while.

Right now I feel overwhelmingly sad. I don't know if it's the sleep deprivation, not eating properly or the stress of moving and not being impressed with a few things at the new place. I was thinking about all the moves I've made since starting University and realized that I've moved 8 times in the past 8 years. Technically the number could be 12 since I moved into my various University residences in September and moved out again in April for all four years of my Undergrad. It's no wonder I feel like an unsettled nomad. I'm thinking I'll be looking for an apartment again for this Spring. Living with people and not being in control of things is starting to take it's toll on me. In the meantime I need to figure out how to make this house and my current situation work for me.

What's really not working for me at the moment is how terrible the internet is. I don't get a signal in my bedroom, and on the main floor I get a strong signal, but it takes forever to load even the most basic page, like google. Trying to pick up my email or even read the newspaper online is bringing me to tears of frustration as it times out, doesn't load and eventually, maybe if I'm lucky, it might give me something 5 minutes later. I have yet to get my msn messenger to log in, or facebook. I get the feeling I'll be living on campus from now until I find a new house, since I can't function without my internet.

I Foresee A Long and Difficult Month

2007-11-02T13:18:00.001-07:00

Upon moving into my new house, I quickly discovered how painfully slow and unpredictable our internet is. To say I'm upset is an understatement. We're getting new service next week, but I'm not holding my breath because it is only one step up from dial-up, and that doesn't address our poor wireless signal in the upstairs of the house. As someone who lives on and for the internet this is a disaster. The internet is my lifeline, my entertainment, my research tool and academic lifeblood. Without reliable, quick internet my job becomes that much harder. It's also going to make daily postings for NaBloPoMo that much more difficult. As if it isn't hard enough to come up with something to write about daily, now I have to fight the internet as well to make sure I get something posted every day.

I'm going to have to figure out something here, even if it means living on campus for better internet or pirating a neighbours signal. Unfortunately I haven't yet picked up any good signals from the neighbours. I think our subdivision is too new and there aren't as many students around here as in my last neighbourhood.

It's That Time of Year Again

2007-11-01T05:47:00.001-07:00

I think I might be a glut for punishment. It's NaBloPoMo time again, and I've signed myself up. I think it would be a good incentive for me to start writing again, and get back in the habit. Or to at least start getting my thoughts out of my head and on to another medium. For the past month or two I haven't written in my journal and I haven't really posted here which isn't that good for me. Writing things out is the only form of 'therapy' and one of the only outlets I have for dealing with my internal struggles. So for the next 30 days I will be posting something (I'm not promising quality) every day.

Today I'm moving and I hope I can get my internet working at the new place by tonight.